there are so many pictures… i don’t know what to do with them all.  i wanna flush them down the drain, but i know that will make the pipes go crazy.  i wanna rip them apart but they take so much effort.  c’mon… it’s almost unbelievable, the amount of these pictures i mean.  they’re everywhere.  my mirror.  my laptop.  my friendster.  my myspace (is that redundant or something?).  my pc.  they’re everywhere and they’re overwhelming.

and even though previously i have told everyone (though i don’t think everyone got the message) i have chosen to be numb, i tend to falter a lil.  but still, i don’t resort to crying or whatever.  still choosing to be numb.  that’s how deep the rabbit hole goes.  oh well.

the house renovation is about to finish.  OMG you cannot believe the dirt this renovation makes!  i would sweep the floor, wipe the surfaces and try to keep things in order only to wait for five minutes and see everything covered in dust again!  it is soooooooo damn annoying.  i want them to be done already, so they can leave and i can design my bigger room now.  and what i hate the most?  these construction workers are smoking at their own liberty in and out of the house!  grrr… i mean, i am a smoker myself but still, i don’t leave ashes on the floor and usually, they’re soooo damn hard to clean up.

i wanna paint my room white, and have all of my furniture in loud colors like red, orange, green and yellow.  or maybe i should paint everything light yellow with bronze accents.  then have everything inside the room in earth tones.  would love some input. *grin*

how can you break my fucking heart and tell me you still love me?

exactly the question on my head right now.  if i had a million bucks, i’d give half of it to the one who can justify that action.

i miss singing.  i think i need someone to come with me to the karaoke bar and sing with me.  i miss rocking.  really really really miss rocking.  it’s like this particular emptiness in my body.

i better grab a night life.  again.

you know how other people claim to be fine when they’re really not?  and then the people surrounding that other people keeps on asking if they’re okay when in fact they already know they’re not?  and that the same set of people ask you what’s wrong without really thinking that it would only make the other people relive that particular moment in their life that made them not okay all over again?

i hate it when that happens.

finals for the production and directing broadcast news and public affairs programs are up and coming.  actually i am in school right now and well, we’re about to do a rundown of the things to be produced on friday in just a bit.  my muscles are tensed and i haven’t had any sleep yet from last night (i was up all night doing a four-point criticism of the fantasy oriented television series, one local and one foreign).  i can’t eat (skipped breakfast) mainly because i feel like i’m going to throw up because i am so damn nervous.

i wish someone was here to calm me down.  really.  not that i am being bitter or anything.  like most people say, life goes on, even after the wheel turns.  but i am just being true to myself.  i need someone to watch over me, just like that song back in the olden days.  and right now, i don’t think i have that…

… though it may seem i am requesting for one, somehow this event in my life says that i should learn how to plant my own two feet, you know without having to depend on someone (especially a man) to be the source of my sanity.  i have to admit though, that for a girl who has had a three-year relationship, followed by a year-and-some-months LDR, it’s going to be pretty tough.

i guess i am still pretty much fixated at the thought of always having my knight in shining armor with me.  and now that no one’s parading my gate, there is some need for self-actualization to face that fact and accept it, even if sometimes knowing that no one is there to take care of you emotionally is a bitter pill to swallow.

  promised he would always be there for me.  but i can’t hold on promises anymore.  sometimes, i don’t even believe in them.  maybe because there have been too many instances wherein promises were broken right in front of me.  although i do give major props for those who live up to their words, i know now for a fact that i can’t always lean on something so vague as words.  sure they can be powerful; but you see, it’s that power entailed in those words that makes me fear them the most.  they can hurt as much as they can heal.  i don’t think i’m willing to take that risk again.

i probably sound like a nine-year-old, feeding off of disney happy endings, wanting that man to come and sweep me off my feet while saying “c’mon baby, imma treat you right and never leave ya”.

but then again, a girl’s gotta grow up sometimes.

i went to the mall with my very dear friend marge today. yet again, i saw the brand new triumph seamless bra for P1,499.75.

holy crap.