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I expected too much. Nothing changes. I fear nothing will.

/ iamsupercarla / Leave a comment

The new year barely started but I can already feel that nothing has changed.

Last Saturday, my mom and I went to the Mall of Asia, just to look around for gifts for those in NJ.  My cousin Marc is leaving on the 8th, and we wanted to give our relatives there simple nothings for the holidays.  My dad brought my lola and aunt and uncle home in Manila and dropped us off there.  We told him to get some rest, reminding him that’s it’s only been a month since his heart attack.  He said he will.  We came home around 10PM, after my brothers picked us up after their male bonding session in Antipolo.  My dad wasn’t home.  He never came home.  He went out to smoke and gamble with friends. 

I hate my dad and his constant disregard for his physical well-being.  I hate my dad for constantly rejecting opportunities that he can spend with us.  I hate my dad for making us, his family, always wait.  He fucking always makes us wait.  We’re always spectators in whatever he’s doing, but he’s never a spectator for us.  He’s never there.  And he wonders why I don’t like coming home.  What a shithole.

I can’t believe my grievances came in early this year.  I can’t believe it’s only been four days and already my dad is setting the record for being the country’s earliest asswipe mover.  I can’t believe this at all.

Why do we always have to wait?  Family comes first, right?  How come that’s not the case for us?  What the fuck?

Oh and Dylan?  Well.. there’s new drama again.  I can’t believe this is not yet over.  I am so tired.  I just want to be happy.  I just want to be satisfied.  With this new drama, he will always be angry again.  He will always be depressed again.  And I have to be strong again.  And I’m tired of being strong.  This is one of the reasons why I like being around Patrick and Moks.  I can be wimpy with them, and I won’t feel bad about it.  I can be lame, and I won’t feel guilty.  I don’t have to put up a strong facade and pretend that I can handle everything.  I am so tired.  I just want to be happy.

The worst part is what comes with the drama.  Whenever there’s the drama in his life, he forgets that he loves me.  I take a backseat.  And worse, I stay there.  I can’t believe it.  Just when I thought I’m done being the last on his list, I’m back here again. 

I love him.  So much.  Too much.  I wish I knew how to let go.  It would be easier, I know that for a fact.  But I don’t want to start all over again.  I don’t want to go through having to cope with the loss again, and finding someone again, and having someone to care for me again, someone that won’t mind my phone calls or texts, someone that doesn’t consider me as  a nuisance.  I want him back.  I want him back so badly.  I want the Dylan that I have come to love.  This is not him.  The angry vengeful kind.  The depressed.  I want my strong man back.  He used to be so strong.  And now… I have to be the one again.

I can’t be strong for two men.  I can’t be strong for both my dad and my boyfriend.  I can only do so much, and I am so tired.  I am soooo tired.  I don’t want to be here anymore.  I don’t want to be in this position anymore.  There are days  when I just want to pass the time with Pat and Moks because with them, I can be shallow.  I can be imperfect.  I can be OC and OA and they won’t hate me for it.  They won’t criticize me for it.  They won’t call me weak and shut me out.  I just want to be just a girl.  I just want to be happy.  And it’s taking so long to get there.

They say that we go through hard parts because that’s how you extract the perfect cup of tea.  You put it in hot water and temper it for a time.  I must be God’s fucking favorite cup of tea.  It never ends.  Being a daughter, a lover, a partner, a friend, a MAPee… I can’t believe I’m even thinking of getting a fucking sport to add to that list.

I want to be happy again.  I hope Dylan wants that too, for himself I mean.  I miss the happy Dylan.  I miss the stressed-but-graceful-still Dylan.  I do not like the angry Dylan who forgets about me.

Am I forgettable?  Am I that dispensable?  That’s the second worst thing you know.  First for me is to go blind, next, is to not be remembered.  I have constantly pushed myself to do something to be memorable.  For people not to forget about me.  For people to always remember my name or at least an experience associated to that name.  I do not want to be forgotten.

I do not want him to forget.  I do not want him to forget.  Nothing can be more painful than that.

I have a tingly feeling. I think they call it “hope”.

/ iamsupercarla / Leave a comment

First post of 2010 and I do not want to disappoint. :)

Last night’s celebrations definitely made me realize one thing:  I do not want to celebrate any year-end holiday not being in the Philippines.  There’s nothing like Christmas and New Year’s here, especially New Year’s.  The firecrackers, the fireworks, the ham, the booze, the cheese, the every-kind-of-salad salad, everything.  You haven’t experienced New Year’s if you haven’t experienced it in the Philippines, believe you me.

As tradition, a lot of people I know have started writing their resolutions.  Apparently, there are so many things in their lives that they want to change.  I don’t blame them.  Man’s appetite, by nature, is considered to be insatiable — and that is both good and bad.  I’m happy for my friends and the steps that they want to make to improve the quality of their life.  I am happy that they are recognizing their mistakes and lapses and writing down a personal contract to make things right, if not better.  I am happy for them.  I really am.  But I just want to let them know that I love them for who they are, not for what they’ve done.  And I leave them with one advice:  Never let the things you want make you forget the things you already have.

I started the year in love.  I can’t believe it either, but I have been in love with the same guy for the past three years and seven months (not that I’m counting).  We’ve had our share, if not more, of ups and downs, and to be frank, I never really thought we’d make it this far.  So you see, 2010 seems to start of on a good note:  a really good surprise.  I am hoping that he’s in love too, ‘coz it would really suck to be the only one on this page.  Hahahaha.  I know that he loves me.  He loves me because.  :)

I know I should follow my friends’ example and write down a list I would want to accomplish this year.  I don’t blame them for wanting to accomplish so much.  We were never meant to live meager lives. :)  But I have learned my lesson in writing resolutions; sometimes, they just stay written.  However, according to my good friend Moks Gonzales and his favorite book The Secret, everything is more powerful and realistic when it’s written down.  And I am not going to be the one to reject an opportunity to write.

Here are the things I want to accomplish by 2010:

   1. Land that managerial position.
   2. Read (and own) 50 more books by December 31, 2010.
   3. Watch at least 10 independent films.
   4. Have a year-end savings of at least P50,000.
   5. Have matching lingerie.  (This is self-indulgent, I know.)
   6. Chronicle my life in a more animated structure.  (AKA blog more.)
   7. Purchase a new investment piece.

I have my options for that new investment piece and that piece is intended to feed my shutterbug itch.  Will definitely post something great and amazing when that time comes. :)

So there you go, people.  My list for 2010.  I hope your list is better than mine. :)  Have a great year.

I have a tingly feeling. I think they call it “hope”.

/ iamsupercarla / Leave a comment

First post of 2010 and I do not want to disappoint. :)

Last night’s celebrations definitely made me realize one thing:  I do not want to celebrate any year-end holiday not being in the Philippines.  There’s nothing like Christmas and New Year’s here, especially New Year’s.  The firecrackers, the fireworks, the ham, the booze, the cheese, the every-kind-of-salad salad, everything.  You haven’t experienced New Year’s if you haven’t experienced it in the Philippines, believe you me.

As tradition, a lot of people I know have started writing their resolutions.  Apparently, there are so many things in their lives that they want to change.  I don’t blame them.  Man’s appetite, by nature, is considered to be insatiable — and that is both good and bad.  I’m happy for my friends and the steps that they want to make to improve the quality of their life.  I am happy that they are recognizing their mistakes and lapses and writing down a personal contract to make things right, if not better.  I am happy for them.  I really am.  But I just want to let them know that I love them for who they are, not for what they’ve done.  And I leave them with one advice:  Never let the things you want make you forget the things you already have.

I started the year in love.  I can’t believe it either, but I have been in love with the same guy for the past three years and seven months (not that I’m counting).  We’ve had our share, if not more, of ups and downs, and to be frank, I never really thought we’d make it this far.  So you see, 2010 seems to start of on a good note:  a really good surprise.  I am hoping that he’s in love too, ‘coz it would really suck to be the only one on this page.  Hahahaha.  I know that he loves me.  He loves me because.  :)

I know I should follow my friends’ example and write down a list I would want to accomplish this year.  I don’t blame them for wanting to accomplish so much.  We were never meant to live meager lives. :)  But I have learned my lesson in writing resolutions; sometimes, they just stay written.  However, according to my good friend Moks Gonzales and his favorite book The Secret, everything is more powerful and realistic when it’s written down.  And I am not going to be the one to reject an opportunity to write.

Here are the things I want to accomplish by 2010:

   1. Land that managerial position.
   2. Read (and own) 50 more books by December 31, 2010.
   3. Watch at least 10 independent films.
   4. Have a year-end savings of at least P50,000.
   5. Have matching lingerie.  (This is self-indulgent, I know.)
   6. Chronicle my life in a more animated structure.  (AKA blog more.)
   7. Purchase a new investment piece.

I have my options for that new investment piece and that piece is intended to feed my shutterbug itch.  Will definitely post something great and amazing when that time comes. :)

So there you go, people.  My list for 2010.  I hope your list is better than mine. :)  Have a great year.

And the year is ending and they call it..

/ iamsupercarla / 4 Comments

So the year is ending.  The last couple of days, we celebrated the Susi Family Reunion 2009.  It was really fun.  I can’t even begin to describe how happy I was to have Dylan there.  It’s his fourth reunion and to be frank, I have a feeling there’s more to come.

I want to blog today, but something’s not feeling right as I write these, so I’m going to stop and perhaps continue later.

To die by your side

/ iamsupercarla / Leave a comment

Currently trying to relax my body and my mind as I sip my favorite cup of coffee from Coffee Bean.  To those who say Starbucks is better, I challenge that statement.  Coffee Bean’s homely feel and bolder taste make you cherish the coffee, not the sugar.  I say Starbucks is for noobs, Coffee Bean is for the real coffee lover.  Or caffeine lover.  Whichever may prove to be applicable to you.

I’ve been with this little guy for the past three RLEs already.  It’s quite funny how it rejuvenates me.  Like right now.  I was just out shopping, or doing my last minute shopping that is, and we still ended up here.  I realized I haven’t started on my presentation yet, which by the way is due tomorrow.  Then, after a swig of their mocha latte and fifteen minutes later, I am done.  Of course it’s not as perfect, but that’s what the mornings are there for — proofreading. :)

I know it’s wrong to attribute such to the power of caffeine.  One way or another, my mind had something to do with that.  But right now, I can’t help but put a little faith on outside energies to help me get what I want, or at least achieve the ones I want to.  There are so many stresses in my life right now, and it couldn’t have come at a worse time like the year end.  I just hope I survive it better than I should.  I just have to keep reminding myself of the instances that brought me here, and how significant they are, in spite of the pain they inflicted upon me.

Well, it’s emo time again, and I hate it when that time comes.  It just reminds me of my impending doom — growing old.  The drama comes with the age I guess.  I mean, there can’t be any other explanation as to why you suddenly start contemplating the repercussions of your life choices.  There is no other indication that you are indeed becoming more aware of how your decisions affect your status.  You are, or rather I am, growing old.

I just hope that wisdom comes in a warm coffee cup too.