Understanding faith

I have always loved the music of Mumford and Sons.

7

If presented to the unknowing person, they can easily be misunderstood.  But it is the loss of that person to not immediately realize and feel the profundity of every word and lyric sang.

So tame my flesh and fix my eyes
A tethered mind freed from the lies

I came across this song at a time I needed it the most.  Perhaps with my current situation, it is quite apt to be reminded of the depth of faith I should have in order to get through these negative emotions.

There are no harder demons to fight than the ones within you.

But I’ll kneel down; wait for now
I’ll kneel down; know my ground

I hope this song lifts you up too.

Faithfully unfaithful

January 11, 2007

 

I celebrated my 21st birthday last January 9.  it was so much fun.  Dylan was great as usual.  He made that day all-I-want day.  We were together practically for 20 hours, and everything I wanted, he gave.  He was very submissive (LOL).  I really loved my birthday.

 

Later that evening, cousins and my family went out to dinner and bowling.  Can you believe that?  We went bowling.  It was so much fun!  Even though my family plays every now and then, I still sucked.  I wasn’t even able to finish my frame.  But that’s because I got sick later on.  My period started.

 

Happy birthday to me!  It was my best birthday ever.  Thanks to Dylan, next year has to be extra good in order to top this one.

 

Anyway, I told an early lie in this year.  I was supposed to go job hunting today.  Instead, I had my own little fun. 

 

Dylan and I went to SM Mall of Asia.  The place wasn’t as jam-packed as it would be on a weekend so we were able to get a breath of fresh air.  We went strolling and tried to memorize as much as the mall as possible.  It was a little too hopeful though.  Haha!  In the end, we had to ask around.  Well, at least for just one thing.  Watson’s. 

 

Did you know that it’s a Thursday today?  In my church, we go to mass on Thursdays and Sundays.  I knew that.  But I just walked around the mall.  I just strolled and laughed and dined and fought with Dylan around the mall, not minding the time, just walking to my own bidding.  I skipped mass.  Worse, I didn’t even feel the least bit guilty about it.

 

Is it because I don’t believe anymore?  I don’t know.  Maybe I stopped, or maybe my faith is somewhat diminished.  Is it because Dylan doesn’t believe in the same things that I do?  No, absolutely not.  I think I believed less when I was once again presented with the thought of having to give up someone I sincerely love.

 

This is not the first time I have demanded for such a change in my partner.  With my previous relationships, I have always asked them to convert to my beliefs.  One even left me because he refused to.  But not this one, not Dylan.  I can’t ask him.  I don’t know why.  I am starting to think that maybe because I really do love him.  The sincerity of my admiration for him is evident that I am so careful to not change him.  I love him just the way he is, and for a girl like me (who is spoiled, materialistic and demanding), that is something new.

 

I don’t want to compromise my pain anymore.  I don’t want to be hurt again by my own decision.  So I have decided to stop deciding.  I shouldn’t stop believing in my faith, and believe me I will do my best to do that.  But I am done giving up people.  I am done giving up the person that makes me so damn happy and so damn glad to be alive.  I am done giving up.

 

All done.