family

I expected too much. Nothing changes. I fear nothing will.

/ iamsupercarla / Leave a comment

The new year barely started but I can already feel that nothing has changed.

Last Saturday, my mom and I went to the Mall of Asia, just to look around for gifts for those in NJ.  My cousin Marc is leaving on the 8th, and we wanted to give our relatives there simple nothings for the holidays.  My dad brought my lola and aunt and uncle home in Manila and dropped us off there.  We told him to get some rest, reminding him that’s it’s only been a month since his heart attack.  He said he will.  We came home around 10PM, after my brothers picked us up after their male bonding session in Antipolo.  My dad wasn’t home.  He never came home.  He went out to smoke and gamble with friends. 

I hate my dad and his constant disregard for his physical well-being.  I hate my dad for constantly rejecting opportunities that he can spend with us.  I hate my dad for making us, his family, always wait.  He fucking always makes us wait.  We’re always spectators in whatever he’s doing, but he’s never a spectator for us.  He’s never there.  And he wonders why I don’t like coming home.  What a shithole.

I can’t believe my grievances came in early this year.  I can’t believe it’s only been four days and already my dad is setting the record for being the country’s earliest asswipe mover.  I can’t believe this at all.

Why do we always have to wait?  Family comes first, right?  How come that’s not the case for us?  What the fuck?

Oh and Dylan?  Well.. there’s new drama again.  I can’t believe this is not yet over.  I am so tired.  I just want to be happy.  I just want to be satisfied.  With this new drama, he will always be angry again.  He will always be depressed again.  And I have to be strong again.  And I’m tired of being strong.  This is one of the reasons why I like being around Patrick and Moks.  I can be wimpy with them, and I won’t feel bad about it.  I can be lame, and I won’t feel guilty.  I don’t have to put up a strong facade and pretend that I can handle everything.  I am so tired.  I just want to be happy.

The worst part is what comes with the drama.  Whenever there’s the drama in his life, he forgets that he loves me.  I take a backseat.  And worse, I stay there.  I can’t believe it.  Just when I thought I’m done being the last on his list, I’m back here again. 

I love him.  So much.  Too much.  I wish I knew how to let go.  It would be easier, I know that for a fact.  But I don’t want to start all over again.  I don’t want to go through having to cope with the loss again, and finding someone again, and having someone to care for me again, someone that won’t mind my phone calls or texts, someone that doesn’t consider me as  a nuisance.  I want him back.  I want him back so badly.  I want the Dylan that I have come to love.  This is not him.  The angry vengeful kind.  The depressed.  I want my strong man back.  He used to be so strong.  And now… I have to be the one again.

I can’t be strong for two men.  I can’t be strong for both my dad and my boyfriend.  I can only do so much, and I am so tired.  I am soooo tired.  I don’t want to be here anymore.  I don’t want to be in this position anymore.  There are days  when I just want to pass the time with Pat and Moks because with them, I can be shallow.  I can be imperfect.  I can be OC and OA and they won’t hate me for it.  They won’t criticize me for it.  They won’t call me weak and shut me out.  I just want to be just a girl.  I just want to be happy.  And it’s taking so long to get there.

They say that we go through hard parts because that’s how you extract the perfect cup of tea.  You put it in hot water and temper it for a time.  I must be God’s fucking favorite cup of tea.  It never ends.  Being a daughter, a lover, a partner, a friend, a MAPee… I can’t believe I’m even thinking of getting a fucking sport to add to that list.

I want to be happy again.  I hope Dylan wants that too, for himself I mean.  I miss the happy Dylan.  I miss the stressed-but-graceful-still Dylan.  I do not like the angry Dylan who forgets about me.

Am I forgettable?  Am I that dispensable?  That’s the second worst thing you know.  First for me is to go blind, next, is to not be remembered.  I have constantly pushed myself to do something to be memorable.  For people not to forget about me.  For people to always remember my name or at least an experience associated to that name.  I do not want to be forgotten.

I do not want him to forget.  I do not want him to forget.  Nothing can be more painful than that.

I have a tingly feeling. I think they call it “hope”.

/ iamsupercarla / Leave a comment

First post of 2010 and I do not want to disappoint. :)

Last night’s celebrations definitely made me realize one thing:  I do not want to celebrate any year-end holiday not being in the Philippines.  There’s nothing like Christmas and New Year’s here, especially New Year’s.  The firecrackers, the fireworks, the ham, the booze, the cheese, the every-kind-of-salad salad, everything.  You haven’t experienced New Year’s if you haven’t experienced it in the Philippines, believe you me.

As tradition, a lot of people I know have started writing their resolutions.  Apparently, there are so many things in their lives that they want to change.  I don’t blame them.  Man’s appetite, by nature, is considered to be insatiable — and that is both good and bad.  I’m happy for my friends and the steps that they want to make to improve the quality of their life.  I am happy that they are recognizing their mistakes and lapses and writing down a personal contract to make things right, if not better.  I am happy for them.  I really am.  But I just want to let them know that I love them for who they are, not for what they’ve done.  And I leave them with one advice:  Never let the things you want make you forget the things you already have.

I started the year in love.  I can’t believe it either, but I have been in love with the same guy for the past three years and seven months (not that I’m counting).  We’ve had our share, if not more, of ups and downs, and to be frank, I never really thought we’d make it this far.  So you see, 2010 seems to start of on a good note:  a really good surprise.  I am hoping that he’s in love too, ‘coz it would really suck to be the only one on this page.  Hahahaha.  I know that he loves me.  He loves me because.  :)

I know I should follow my friends’ example and write down a list I would want to accomplish this year.  I don’t blame them for wanting to accomplish so much.  We were never meant to live meager lives. :)  But I have learned my lesson in writing resolutions; sometimes, they just stay written.  However, according to my good friend Moks Gonzales and his favorite book The Secret, everything is more powerful and realistic when it’s written down.  And I am not going to be the one to reject an opportunity to write.

Here are the things I want to accomplish by 2010:

   1. Land that managerial position.
   2. Read (and own) 50 more books by December 31, 2010.
   3. Watch at least 10 independent films.
   4. Have a year-end savings of at least P50,000.
   5. Have matching lingerie.  (This is self-indulgent, I know.)
   6. Chronicle my life in a more animated structure.  (AKA blog more.)
   7. Purchase a new investment piece.

I have my options for that new investment piece and that piece is intended to feed my shutterbug itch.  Will definitely post something great and amazing when that time comes. :)

So there you go, people.  My list for 2010.  I hope your list is better than mine. :)  Have a great year.

I have a tingly feeling. I think they call it “hope”.

/ iamsupercarla / Leave a comment

First post of 2010 and I do not want to disappoint. :)

Last night’s celebrations definitely made me realize one thing:  I do not want to celebrate any year-end holiday not being in the Philippines.  There’s nothing like Christmas and New Year’s here, especially New Year’s.  The firecrackers, the fireworks, the ham, the booze, the cheese, the every-kind-of-salad salad, everything.  You haven’t experienced New Year’s if you haven’t experienced it in the Philippines, believe you me.

As tradition, a lot of people I know have started writing their resolutions.  Apparently, there are so many things in their lives that they want to change.  I don’t blame them.  Man’s appetite, by nature, is considered to be insatiable — and that is both good and bad.  I’m happy for my friends and the steps that they want to make to improve the quality of their life.  I am happy that they are recognizing their mistakes and lapses and writing down a personal contract to make things right, if not better.  I am happy for them.  I really am.  But I just want to let them know that I love them for who they are, not for what they’ve done.  And I leave them with one advice:  Never let the things you want make you forget the things you already have.

I started the year in love.  I can’t believe it either, but I have been in love with the same guy for the past three years and seven months (not that I’m counting).  We’ve had our share, if not more, of ups and downs, and to be frank, I never really thought we’d make it this far.  So you see, 2010 seems to start of on a good note:  a really good surprise.  I am hoping that he’s in love too, ‘coz it would really suck to be the only one on this page.  Hahahaha.  I know that he loves me.  He loves me because.  :)

I know I should follow my friends’ example and write down a list I would want to accomplish this year.  I don’t blame them for wanting to accomplish so much.  We were never meant to live meager lives. :)  But I have learned my lesson in writing resolutions; sometimes, they just stay written.  However, according to my good friend Moks Gonzales and his favorite book The Secret, everything is more powerful and realistic when it’s written down.  And I am not going to be the one to reject an opportunity to write.

Here are the things I want to accomplish by 2010:

   1. Land that managerial position.
   2. Read (and own) 50 more books by December 31, 2010.
   3. Watch at least 10 independent films.
   4. Have a year-end savings of at least P50,000.
   5. Have matching lingerie.  (This is self-indulgent, I know.)
   6. Chronicle my life in a more animated structure.  (AKA blog more.)
   7. Purchase a new investment piece.

I have my options for that new investment piece and that piece is intended to feed my shutterbug itch.  Will definitely post something great and amazing when that time comes. :)

So there you go, people.  My list for 2010.  I hope your list is better than mine. :)  Have a great year.

They taped over your mouth, scribbled out the truth with their lies.

/ iamsupercarla / Leave a comment

So yesterday was quite a hard day.  I did not do anything at all.  At all.  In spite of knowing the deadlines and the things I had to accomplish by tomorrow, the things that the branch head has to sign before saying that we’ve completed our internship, I did not do a single thing.  It’s quite annoying actually, knowing all these deadlines and reports and not doing anything about it.  But hey, the time has passed and there’s nothing much that I can do about it.

Yesterday was not a good day at all.  I had to confront my dad about his frequent absences at home.  He’s coughing again, meaning he’s smoking again.  It’s quite unbelievable when you realized that a heart attack is not a good-enough wake-up call for some people.  I was not able to control myself, much more my tongue.  I told him that I hate the fact that we are the ones who always have to wait for him.  We’re family and yet we’re the ones who always have to wait.  I told him that he’s an old dog and he can’t seem to learn anything at this point.  I told him that if he does not show up in the next ten minutes, we’re leaving without him.

I’m quite lucky that he did not blow his top.  I mean, if my kid talked to me like that, i would have slapped the living hell out of her.  But you see, I have a good point.  A good solid point.  It’s been barely a month since his heart attack.  The doctor gave us a lot of restrictions and explained the heart attack was brought about by his years — or rather, decades — of smoking.  Lesser salt and fat in diet, no carbonated drinks, lesser caffeine, lesser physical work load, absolutely no smoking. 

Sheesh.  I understand that there are a lot of restrictions and that they’re quite hard to follow in a second, but if you want to live to walk me down the aisle or to see your grandchildren, follow them.  If not, kill yourself and save us from the cost of medication and emotional stress.  There’s only black and white; there is no gray area when it comes to health care.  Either you do it or you don’t.  And if you have three kids about to work their asses off to give you a comfortable life, you freaking do it.  No questions asked.

These are the times when you actually have to listen to someone younger.  I don’t understand why that may be offensive for some, especially when that someone younger makes more sense than you. 

This afternoon, my brother Ted and I are going back to Greenhills to finish the last bits of our holiday shopping.  With the Susi reunion at the end of the year, we have to come up with, say, 23 gifts under 5 hours.  I think I got him addicted to shopping, especially when we shopped for 19 gifts on the eve of Christmas.  I don’t know how we were able to do it, but we did it, and I cannot believe it.  Who knows?  We might be able to do it again today.

And I received my first original Coach this Christmas.  At least that’s something to be really happy about.  Not just the Coach.  It’s the fact that in spite of growing old, I still get good gifts.  Haha.

It’s the holidays. Yay.

/ iamsupercarla / Leave a comment

Actually, it’s no longer the holidays.  More like holiday left overs.  Spent Christmas with the Arriola clan in Tita Leonor’s house in Happyville, but it was hardly happy.  For one, my cousin slash look-a-like Donna was not able to come.  Apparently, she had to work on Christmas.  That’s the downfall of being a nurse; never really getting to celebrate holidays.

Kudos to Dylan though because he managed to swing by later that afternoon.  I think we’re doing better now.

—

Patrick Sebastian called about twice yesterday, asking about our Module 300 paper.  I can feel him pimping his paper, and I somewhat feel guilty for not doing the same.  In a way, it’s starting to feel like I am resting on my laurels and my mad skills as a writer (yes, I said it, so sue me).  But on the other hand, I am starting to feel under prepared for this whole thing. 

Supposedly, we will submit our three-page paper and presentation on the 29th after the branch head reads and evaluates it on the 28th.  I know those dates are pretty close already but still, I haven’t even gotten started on the presentation yet.  Worse, I want to repeat my entire paper.  It feels so uninspired and inadequate.  My friends keep telling me I should refrain from doing that, finishing something only to start from scratch.  They say, I am no longer a "struggling artist" that can junk everything in a blink and start over.  They say, I am no longer an unexpressed individual.  I now have the reigns to my own life and choices that must be made either out of responsibility and obligation.

I say, that’s quite a mouthful.

So instead of preparing the presentation as I originally planned, here I am, blogging away.  If my batch mates from the program could see me now, they just might shake their heads in disappointment, if not in disbelief.

—

Let’s make this a more fruitful blog.  From this point forward, I will do my best to put up reviews of literature I’ve read.  Now this will compel me to read more.  Ha.  What a good way to end the year. :)