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Today was Dylan’s day off.  We didn’t see each other again.  I tried to imply that I want to see him whenever he’s off work, but apparently, there are days that he’d rather rest.

I’m trying to be more understanding about his situation.  He hates his job and there’s no way in the world that I can ever bear to be in his position, to work for something that I don’t even enjoy.  But I moved here in Quezon City for him.  I moved here not only because of the program that I am in but also for him.  It’s not every day that I get to make such a big sacrifice.  I thought when I move closer it will be easier for him to see me, that it will be easier for us to make time for each other.  Instead, it was the complete opposite. 

Maybe I made myself too readily available for him.  I don’t like the fact that he seemed to have forgotten how great we are together, or how consuming our love can be.  Maybe that’s a little too romantic for some, but that’s the way I love.  I give it all.  I save some for myself, enough to keep a little personal dignity, but not enough to not be offended whenever he’d choose to not be with me.

I don’t like being forgotten.  I am a great girlfriend.  I am a great woman.  I have come to learn that over the years that we’ve been together, but he seemed to have forgotten the treasure that he has in his hands.

 

Looking back at the messages he used to send me, I felt like the love isn’t there anymore, at least in his side of the bridge.  And I am here again, at the same point where I am the one left loving sincerely.  Is it too much to ask of anyone to have them tell me that they love me before they go to sleep?  I only want two things from him:  to convert to my religion and to tell me that he loves me every day.  He used to tell me how much he loves me each chance he gets, but now… he seemed to have forgotten.

Why am I always here?  I look at my life and see that I have accomplished so much.  I managed to get into a bank program where I know nothing about, and I am excelling.  It may not be as much as I am used to, but it’s more than anyone could ask from me.  I look at my life and see that I have gone so far in my personal endeavors and yet, I spend my nights crying myself to sleep, wondering if I’ll ever feel the same kind of love that I am giving. 

They say that the love that you receive is equivalent to the love that you give.  Am I not giving enough?  Am I not as loving?  Do I even deserve to receive anything at all?  I have made so many wrong decisions in my life, including turning my back on my own religion for this man.  And now, he has reduced himself to a boy with daily qualms that he cannot look beyond the picture.  He cannot see the big picture anymore, and I am wondering if I should always have to wait for him to see clearer. 

I love him.  God knows how much I love him.  There are so many instances when I wanted to give up but my will won’t let me.  There are so many men out there, and I have seen one or two that deserves my attention and caring more than he does, but I chose him.  Why did I have to choose someone who forgets me? 

Am I that invisible?  Am I that insignificant to not be a relief, an escape at the end of a long hard-earned day?  Am I that kind of girl that you just leave behind and come back to whenever you want to? 

Maybe it’s just because he hasn’t been feeling well.  Maybe that’s the reason why he’s having a hard time taking care of me.  Maybe because I am so high maintenance, and he can’t keep up with my demands.  But whenever I look back at what I ask from him, I don’t see myself asking for more than what he can give.  The problem is he shortchanges his own capacity to meet needs, because he succumbs to the daily ire of his life.  He succumbs to the tiredness, to the fatigue of every day toiling.  He succumbs to the weaknesses he used to abhor and ignore. 

I miss the man I have been with for the past three years and counting.  I miss the man I used to be with.  I used to be with a man whose tiresome manners are left in a cabinet because it will make him incapable of showing his love for me.  I miss the man who used to ask for a day to be with me because he can talk to me… about everything, about anything.  I miss the man who used to consider me as his best friend, someone he can depend on, someone he can count on.  He has completely detached himself from all emotions that relate to me.  Why would you choose to do that?  Why would you choose to abandon someone who has never abandoned you?

I feel so alone.  I am so tired of having to exert so much effort just to understand a simple lesson.  I miss my man.

I miss my man.