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We had a big fight over the weekend, a fight that I didn’t even know about. We spent the entire weekend not talking. We spent a couple more days not talking. Eventually, he came forward and apologized and said, “We’re not done.” He said he’ll work on his thing and that he’ll try harder.

But the thing is, he said all that before.

I can’t help but be apprehensive. I’m having a hard time opening up to him, unlike his previous reassurances. I think I’ve learned my lesson this time.

I spent a good hour or two just bawling my eyes out. Kudos to my good friend Patrick Sebastian for grabbing my beers and helping out. I can’t believe what I have come to realize over the past couple of days. It was good that I took my time to evaluate where we stand, but I do not like what I came up with.

All this time, our relationship was based on his decisions and his decisions alone.

I am a smart, beautiful and empowered woman. How it came to that kind of relationship, I do not know. I think I let myself go, thinking that it would signify just how much I love him. I let myself go with the notion that my respect for his opinions and choices can show how much I value him in my life. I let myself go, thinking that he too would let himself go with me.

But that wasn’t the case. He more often than not walks out every time we have a fight. He more often than not rejects me for having an opinion completely opposite to his. To him, I am expendable. To him, I am replaceable. To him, I am nothing but a small niche of his life that he thought he built on his own. I don’t know why it came to that; this wasn’t the man I first fell in love with. This was not that man at all.

Oh and the romance… I cannot believe I let him throw the romance out of the window. I settled for explanations that time changes the way you become intimate with a person. Why does it have to go out the window? Why do the affections have to change? Won’t the partnership have more meaning as time passes? Don’t relationships age better than wine?

I have reached the tipping point, and I don’t know how I managed to say all these to him. I told him everything. I told him everything I felt, and he was just there, listening. I know there isn’t much that I can ask for; I don’t think I even want to ask for anything. He said he’s going to change it all. He said he’s going to try harder. But do I get my hopes up for this one? I don’t know. I don’t plan to. I’ve heard it all before. He said the same thing last year, when we had that fight after celebrating our anniversary.

He left me then too. What’s preventing him from leaving now?

I hope I don’t wake up one day and find out that I am no longer in love with him. I really think we are each other’s best version when we’re in love with each other. I love him, but I hope he’d stop forgetting that he loves me too.