Friday wasn’t really a sparkling gem for me.  To make matters worse, I can’t seem to find my confidante.  I don’t know why he tends to be so bipolar, but sometimes, I can’t put up with it.  Or maybe, I just cannot handle intense emotion without having to punch the wall.  And when I don’t get to punch anything, I break out — pimples, tears, screaming fit, whichever applies.

Got to watch a movie with Adah today and it was a good change of pace.  I told myself it was a good distraction, because Dylan and I can’t seem to communicate well today.  To be frank, it was a really good distraction, and I find myself planning the next girly date.  But in the end, I am still bothered by the fact that I didn’t get to talk to him today.  I guess a part of me still tries to adjust to his schedule, including his moods.  He’s always in a foul mood when the weekend comes, because he has to work.  And I don’t have to work on a weekend.  So while my batteries are recharging, his are about to expire.  

Sometimes, I feel guilty for expecting too much from him, but I think that’s only because I give a lot.  Learning from John Lloyd and Sarah, I know that I am put in a wrong spot when I try to compare the intensity of my feelings for him with the intensity of his feelings for me.  Kelangan pantay lang, they say.  I have to accept his best without comparing it with mine.  But it’s hard to be in that position, to be that understanding and accepting.  In some places, they revere women for it (haha).  Then again, there’s really not much left to do.  To understand and to listen — two of the main functions of a partner.  I intend to be a partner, not just a girlfriend.

I know that he won’t talk to me properly.  Not tonight.  Not tonight at all.  If I’m not mistaken, today is just a resting off, meaning he got off at work around 9 in the morning, and will report for work tomorrow at 7 in the morning.  I know what I shouldn’t expect and yet, I check my phone every five minutes, hoping for a decent reply or a spark of a decent conversation.

Thank God for Coffee Bean.

And I am trying to get over some petty issues at work.  I didn’t think I’d be upset over something so minute, but I was.  Maybe it just took a toll on me.  Maybe the neglect and the apathy from someone I least expected just confirmed the notion that I might not be good enough to be there.  That I am not smart enough to gain the respect of my peers.  That I do not have the intellectual capacity to be taken seriously.

So I guess, that’s one of the reasons why I got upset, even if it was something as minor as coffee.  It just confirmed my assumptions.  And I hate knowing that much.  

I hope the more appealing weekend kicks off to a better week.  A much better week.  I really need a much better week.