I opened this journal to people who I believed would just respect my opinion.  And just one moment, that’s no longer the case.

This is where I vent, because as someone who’s not easily upset, when I get mad, I’m really mad.  And I vent to others because when I am mad, I am irrational.  And in spite of the lack of audience here, I know somehow that I am safe, that here I can have an opinion, even if at that moment, it’s wrong.   

I let you in because I thought you’d just let me vent.  If you didn’t read that text, which was not intended for you anyway, would you have reacted like this?  Didn’t you think that the main reason why I wasn’t speaking to you is because I am too angry to even make sense?  And I didn’t ask you to bring whatever it is that you brought; we called it off already, didn’t we?  We told you not to bother.  But you did it anyway.  And I thought it was because you wanted to.  But you so conveniently threw it in my face.

I admit that I hurt you with what I said, and I’m sorry for hurting you, but this is my space.  This is where I say what’s on my mind and not have to censor anything for anyone’s pleasure.  This is where I am most comfortable in speaking my mind because here, I don’t have to adhere to someone else’s rules of conduct.  I can be obscene, rude and irrational and look back and just recap everything else.  This is where I make my mistakes and correct them, but you so conveniently did that for me.

I took the weekend off to contemplate, which again explains why I’m not talking.  I had M to tell me that I was petty, and I reflected on that.  But what you didn’t know is how difficult this weekend was for me.  You read my sentiments and you chose to disregard them to air your own.  And I get that.  I get that you have to say something because you were offended.  I get that.  But you should have told it to my face.  Because this is my space.  This is my venting room.  This is mine.  This is the only place where I don’t have to defend myself for having an opinion.

And I was offended, not for the past but for the pettiness of the Friday thing.  And I was ready to admit that.  But when you post comments dated February 1 after reading my conflicts from the 30th and the 31st… isn’t that called apathy?  Isn’t that a gross lack of consideration?  You said I should give you credit.  Didn’t you give me credit?  Or did you just immediately think I am that shallow?  Didn’t you think that when people are mad, all they remember are bad  things?  Didn’t you think that?  Or were you just thinking of yourself?

This is my space.  I didn’t even talk to you, I didn’t even invade you because I know somewhere in my head I was wrong at one point.  I didn’t talk to you because I wasn’t making sense, and you didn’t even give me the room to actually MAKE sense.  Why?  Did I do that to your Wall?  Did I text you profanities?  Did I send you a Private Message defiling you?  I was just  here, in my space, talking.  It was just me and my space, and you just went in and told me off.

I am tired.  You have no idea how draining this weekend is and worse, you didn’t even bother to consider that in spite reading about it.  Why?  Was I that apathetic to your whims?  Was I that insensitive to your bad days?  Was I that bad of a friend?

You are not the vessel of my frustrations.  You will never be the vessel of my frustrations.  But this blog is.  "You cannot get offended without your permission" does not work the same as "You cannot feel inferior without your permission".  And if that’s the case, why doesn’t that rule also apply to you?

And I’m tired.  Of fighting.  You’re generally a good friend, but I wish you would be more careful with your words.  Or actions.  Because what appears as fair to you doesn’t always appear fair to some, and those who don’t get it are not obliged to apologize for misinterpreting it.  You’re a really good friend, but you have to be more conscious of how you come off, the same way you guys tell me to tone down the taray.  

I’m tired.  All I did this weekend was defend myself for being angry for legitimate reasons.  And I’m just tired.  Because it seems like I can’t get mad.  It appeared that I am not allowed to be upset, to be offended.  Is this the stipulation that comes from being a bitch?  Coz I am admittedly one.  Does that automatically exempt me for feeling offended, for feeling insulted?  

Oh and by the way, everyone tells me I am biased.  M tells me I’m biased to P, P tells me I’m biased to you, you tell me I’m biased to M.  If not one can really determine which I favor the most, doesn’t that translate to me treating everyone the same?   Think about it.

Do you get that?  Do you understand now?  Or do I owe you something of an apology again?