61

Last April 11, my father would have turned 61 years old.

The last (and most likely only) buffet he thoroughly enjoyed was Vikings, so most likely we would have celebrated there.  Or at Sizzling Pepper Steak.  He was always loyal to his favorites.

It was a Friday so I can imagine negotiating with him to just come to Makati or at least leave the premises of Las Pinas, and he would say, “Traffic is so bad there, let’s just meet at the Mall of Asia,” and by meet, he means “You better get there first because there is no way in hell I am going around that mall to look for you.”

He didn’t go out much.  He mostly just went out because my mother asked.  He often refused her, at the same time often joined her.  It was as simple and as complicated as that.

If we’re at a buffet, he would look for the dishes that he can copy.  Our clan has a penchant for meeting almost every week (and still has the gall to celebrate an annual “reunion”) and he was always thinking of new recipes.  I think that was the reason he liked Vikings; I would like to think he picked out a lot of dishes to cook from there.

Then, of course, after the meal, he would sneak out for a smoke.  Most people would say it was the cigarette that killed him and as much as I acknowledge my father’s efforts to trim it down, I have to agree.  But he would just smoke one, linger outside for a bit, and then whisper to my mother, “I need to poop.”  That’s the signal to go home.

But that was always a lie, I think.  Because even with the need to poop, we would stop by for dessert elsewhere — coffee for him and my mother to share — chat for a bit, and before we even noticed, all three — my father and my two brothers — start calling dibs as to who would be the first to use the bathroom.

He would have been 61, and he would have bragged about his glorious 20% discount on almost everything.

He would have given me some money to pick out perfume or a bag for my mother’s upcoming 60th birthday.  He would have said, “Make sure it’s something she likes ha.”  He would have suggestions, but he would trust my choices more.

He would have bugged my brother Ted to drive home, because he would have been too full to drive.  I think that was just an excuse to sit at the back with my mother.  He liked hanging out with my mother.

He loved hanging out with us.

He would have been 61.

Dad

Happy birthday, Tatay.

Getting inked

I have always wanted to get a tattoo. The art embedded right under the skin entices me, with the body looking like a walking canvass.  Most of my family will not agree with me; they will always see these things as dirty and inappropriate.  But I’m happy to not agree with them.  I find tattooing painfully beautiful.

I didn’t think that my first one would be in memory of my father.  I never really thought I would ever admit to getting one, given that opinion my family has when it comes to skin art, so I got the tattoo in secret.  It wasn’t until three or four months in did I let my mother see it.  (Yes, it freaked her out.)

I am not here to change their opinion on things.  Some things don’t change and it’s easier to accept that instead of forcing your views.  But I do want a more factual approach to tattooing.  Thankfully, someone from the National Post already did that.

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For me, it will always be emotional.  I will always look for the next image or phrase to be on me and I’ll carry it all my life and I would be proud because to me, it will always mean something.  And that doesn’t necessarily have to mean the same thing to other people.

I’ve had looks thrown at me in the office when the swallow peeks slightly above my collar.  I get it; you don’t understand why.  And I respect that you don’t understand as much as I do.  But that is not a cue for you to expect that I need to explain myself to you.

Because, in my opinion, those who ask for an explanation do not deserve it and those who do won’t demand for it.

And I’m blessed because now, my family, though they staunchly disagree, no longer need any explaining from me.

41

Late night musings

So late last night, while working on a new project, I thought of you. I thought of our talk right before I moved out of the house.

I thought about the pain in your eyes as you slowly gave me your blessing to move away from your protective arms.

I saw your fear that I might forget to eat. Or sleep. Or just plain rest.

I saw your worry that I might forget about church. Or family. Or friends. And be solely fixated on that one thing that I’ve always thought would sustain me long enough. About that one thing that I thought is all I needed.

Now that I’ve let go of that one thing, I look back at the points you’ve raised. I don’t regret the emancipation; it has made me a better person, though not in a manner you would have wanted. What I do remember are the things you didn’t say and do.

Why you never talked to him about me. About his plans. His plans for him and me. How you never found the time nor the need to give him your blessing. Maybe it was your manner of saying he’s not the one, maybe it was your way of letting me realize he can’t give me more than you can.

And that’s all every father has ever wanted for their daughter: a man who loves her more than he does that he will provide for her, listen to her, never leave her, give himself up for her, support her. A partner in the journey of life that will stand as witness how great she lived. How she was a good friend, wife, mother. A companion. A chronicler. Someone who can make her live forever in the endless love he will give her.

For a time, I really believed he was that. I really saw him in that light because for a long time, he really was that. But you knew he wouldn’t be that man for long.

Do I regret those years? Not as much as I thought, actually. He has loved me the best way he knew how and I could never have been more thankful for that. Insanity was almost present and evident. It was the kind of love people rooted for, aimed for and dreamt of.

What I do regret is not having been able to talk to you of the life I wanted for myself. It was 9 in the evening and I am cross legged alone and working still, without a single indication that someone will pick me up and make sure I’ve had dinner and that the long day was okay even though I ended up spent because I tried to make a difference.

I failed to talk to you about the man I needed and wanted and desired.

I failed to let you know that that man has you to look up to, to be his role model. That that man will have to live up to the expectations you have set in order to be the man for me.

You never did ask for much, Tatay. I’m sure you would have been content with a man willing to give me everything I wanted even before I knew I wanted it. But now, looking back, more than the love, I now understand that a man of faith can never compare to a man filled with all the love and devotion in the world offered at my feet.

It is not an easy search, Tatay. In some ways, I know you are unique in the sacrifices you have made to be with the love of your life. But thank you for making me see for myself that a man of faith is all I need to believe that a love like yours can happen more than once in a lifetime.

I miss you with an intensity I cannot explain. You will always be my open-ended conversation, my unanswered question. But the best lesson you’ve taught me comes posthumously:

I do not need a man to complete me. I need me. I need faith.

With your passing comes clarity. I am now counting on time to give me strength.

I love you forever and always.

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Seven days

Hi Tatay,

Did you know that Roger Ebert died today?  It’s one of the saddest news I’ve heard this week.  Well, apart from everyone missing you.

I don’t think I ever talked to you about my fascination for movies and films.  I could go through lengths just explaining the difference, but for you they only mean one thing:  expensive seats.  You’ve always been the television guy.  You like to be in the moment; I on the other hand like to escape.

Anyway, he’s my favorite critic.  He died because his cancer returned.  Just when he announced his leave of presence, he really left the earth.  He was quite graceful in his last words too.

But I bet no one will be as graceful as you.

I was reading through this article when I saw this comment that just made me tear up:

Free at last

I know you’re free.  You feel no more pain.  Your soul has become bigger than your body that it was called by the Master sooner than we all wanted too.

But often I wonder at what point in my life will I ever be at peace with your passing.  I know you are; in your eyes, we’re all good, we’re all right, it’s okay for you to go.  In my heart, I know I have left you out of so much in my life, refused to share it all with you, or give you everything you deserved, that I will just be living with the pain of losing you too early in my life.

I wanted you to walk me down the aisle as I marry the man who loves me the most.  Well, second to you.  No one will ever love me like you do.  They can only try to.

I’m so happy Ted caught your moment when we first saw the majestic Palawan.  I swear you have never looked so breathless in awe.

And I am so thankful to have witnessed your moment of complete freedom and abandon, even just once in my life.

I miss you.  Every day.  I wish to be free from this pain too.  Help me, won’t you?

7 days

Eight days

Hi Tatay.

I have created a list of everything that I need to accomplish this year.  Mostly, these are the things you bugged me to do already, and I’m sorry you’re not here to see me finish them.  You’ve always said that I am at my prime, and as much as I want to curl into a ball, bury my face in the scent of your clothes, I have so much time ahead of me.  I would not be your daughter if I wasted around and not seize the opportunities presented to me.

Honestly, I only have three.  I regret not having a better memory of the things you want me to do, but I believe these are the things that matter to you the most.

I promise to learn to swim.  That’s one of the things that has constantly bothered you.  You’re a seafood person and yet I, your only daughter, your eldest, have a hard time appreciating the sea.  It is my fear of not breathing that prevents me from getting into the water.  Never mind the fact that it can save my life, or the fact that I live in a tropical country.  My fears have taken over me — and yours hardly ever took over you.  So this year, I will learn how to swim.  I will work hard to learn it as fast as I can, so I can go back to Coron, the one place you found yourself most at peace with, and feel the water you were in surround me and my being.

I promise to learn how to drive a stick.  I know you’re not impressed with automatic transmission drivers.  For city driving, that should bode well enough, but given the number of times our family go out of town, I want to be one of those people they can count on during long drives.  They can always count on you, Tatay.  Whenever we go out, they don’t have to worry about anything because we had you.  Now that you’re gone, Ted, Daniel and I are scaling the wall to be your replacement.  But just so we’re clear, we will never do.  Nothing and no one can replace you.  Nothing and no one will ever attempt to.  It is with mere hope that we can continue your legacy… and for me, it starts with driving right.

Last and certainly not the least, I promise to continue studying.  You see, when you passed, I stopped.  I know that’s not really what you wanted, but I just couldn’t bear the thought of going through the motions without having you at the end of the day to tell you all about it.  If there’s something you continuously encouraged us to do, it is to constantly find ways to improve ourselves.  I promise I will finish my masters at the soonest possible time.  I will relearn photography and send you postcards from earth.  I will be on top of my class.  This was always your goal, to provide us with the best education a father can ever give to his children.  I will not fail.

I know these do not really matter as much as it should.  It would matter more if you were here.  But I know you’re guiding me. I know you will never leave me.  You are under my skin.  You will never go away.

You will always be my father and I, in turn, will do everything so that when people see me, they see you as clearly too.

I miss you.

8 days