You knew better.

Dear You,

In all honesty, your two-facedness is something I didn’t quite anticipate.  In 2009, you were the quiet one, the one who reads the Word for lunch, the one who took jokes and jeers in stride.  You were the one who asks if anyone else would like something from McDonald’s or Dunkin Donuts, or anything that you can bring back to Manila whenever you’d go home to your hometown.  What you have become is quite unprecedented.

I really didn’t anticipate your backstabbing ways.  But then, I should have known we all have our dark sides.  I should have known that we have two wolves in all of us.  I just didn’t think you would be the kind of person who will feed the bad one.

Is it the smoke up your ass?  Is it their constant fawning over the work you do?  Is it the way they worship your work?  It has to be that right?  After all, you do pick up their slack.  You are the one completing everything that’s supposed to be their workload.  You are the doormat.  So you have to be part of that click.

And a part of it, you have become.  It’s so disappointing.  But then who am I to expect loyalty?  Who am I to expect some semblance of identity?  I just graduated with you, finished the training with you.  We probably studied together once, but that’s it.  I have mocked you endlessly, but then, you have mocked me to my face too.  Our relationship was limited to that.

Was I wrong to assume that you have a sense of fealty?  After all, we went through the same hardships.  I do not expect you to know the inner workings of my twisted mind and harpooned feelings, but at the very least, as someone who went through the same kind of test as you, I just expected you would at least defend me.  Or not add fuel to the fire.  Instead, you contributed to the senseless and baseless babble of my so-called elitism and spoiled-ness.  You contributed to the preconceived notions others had of me, notions that I have always thought you knew was wrong.  You and I met way before all these, after all.  You knew me way before all these.  As it turned out, you are not the ally I thought you were.

I only hope that I am the lone victim of your backstabbing ways.  I still have use to you; I am still your lone link for matters that require his confirmation.  And that’s how I’ve come to be for you — a person who will entertain your bitch-filled lunches, your passes to a click that “accepted” you, your shining example of what not to be.  But you want to know the real sad story here?

Never in a million years would I do the same thing to you.

May you sleep soundly at night, you backstabbing two-faced lying low-level ass kisser.

Gossip in the office

Here’s the thing that most fresh grads have the hard time learning:  no matter who your employer is or where you work, office gossip and politics exist.  It’s just that.  Every company is a kingdom on its own, regardless of existing external regulators and other neutralizers that are supposed to keep employers in check.  It’s just there.  Ever present.

And that includes — now, more than ever — government offices.

I have worked for this company in the last three years.  I’m about to mark my fourth year in September.  Before becoming a regular employee, I underwent a 13-month management training program and I survived because my friends are very patient and very good educators.  My mother used to work here.  My aunt used to work here too.  I remember joining the institution’s summer arts program for five years in a row.  I loved this place.  Even before I joined the company, I have heard numerous praise not only for its performance in development finance, but also for its management.

Until recently, drastic changes were made.  From operating at a developmental standpoint, it appears, at least to me, that the gears have shifted to retail banking.  Don’t get me wrong; posting profit absolutely trumps breaking even.  However, it is rapidly starting to feel like this is not the institution I signed up for.

It’s frustrating isn’t it?  I joined the institution because of its developmental mandate.  I fell in love with it because my family never stopped praising its efforts in improving countryside economies.  I was often teased during our management training that I will be a “lifer,” as in someone willing to work for this institution for life.  I think I would have been, but now… well, it is not the same anymore.

What’s even more depressing is the fact that the gossip mutates.  I know it’s not supposed to die, but there has to be a period of silence somehow.  But not here.  As one executive after another is added to an already-full roster of senior rank offices, the gossip just becomes richer.  From utilizing company assets for personal use, to inglorious pay demands, to poorly examined trades, the gossip never ends.  Worse, the people in the circulating white papers are the same people who have the gall and energy to prejudge existing employees without even a semblance of validation.

I read somewhere that you should never judge a person based on someone’s opinion of them.  Lately, this has been the norm here in the office.  It is such a depressing character trait from senior officers.  Or rather disappointing.  I think what seniors often forget is that, as much as they are part of management that ensures the seamless operations and business generation of the company, they are also the primary advocates of their subordinates, not their nemesis.

But then, this is just my opinion.

Susie and Sally

Baggage check

We all have complicated histories. When was the last time your past experiences informed a major decision you’ve made?

The Moment

This moment also happens to be the saddest moment of my life.  My father died on 21 January 2013, 12 days after my birthday.  We buried him 6 days later.  It wasn’t until his body was buried six feet under did I take a close look at all my relationships:  the one I’m with, my friends, my family.  It was a rude awakening.

It wasn’t that he wasn’t good to me.  It wasn’t that he wasn’t kind.  It was the lost wonder, the humility that comes with feeling a sense of disbelief that this person is with you.  The how-did-I-get-so-lucky feeling.  The I-cannot-believe-she-chose-me feeling.  That one went out the window quite a long time ago, and it took three wheelbarrows of dirt and a hole in the ground to make myself finally admit that.

I have lost touch with the oldest of friends so much that if they did not insist on being present in my life, I won’t insist on their presence too.  That was one of the worst decisions I’ve made, because at my lowest low, my friends were the first one to rally with me.  I am blessed.

My brothers were hesitant to depend on me, but when our father passed, they knew they can count on me for anything.  Some may say this kind of dependence should not be present anymore when you get older, but I do not mind.  I want my brothers to need me as much as I need them.

I realized too that the strongest person in the room — actually in most rooms — is either my mother or my grandmother.  I can only hope to grow up as strong willed as them.

So… I packed my bags for a quick staycation with my best friend and sister Marga, a quick trip to Cebu with another friend, went back to school, worked my butt off, and reclaimed the love that was never lost in the first place.

It is sad that my father cannot see that I am at my happiest, even though work sucks most days and school is hard.  Still, my heart has never been happier, more content, and more at home with it belonging to one man and to all the people I have pulled back in my life.

Oh how glorious it is to be loved by the man who wishes to carry your baggage with you. <3

 

A personal favorite

I am thoroughly enjoying the National Poetry Month theme in this blog.  Working for an industry with rigid standards and never-ending rules quite dulled my creative senses.

But I have never ever forgotten Desiderata.  Written by Max Ehrmann in 1927, it wasn’t until my sophomore high school teacher read this out loud did I hear about it.  Since then, I’ve been so completely enamored by it.  I believe this is one of those pieces that I memorized in just a few hours.  The truth, honesty and beauty of every single word in it resonates, and whenever I feel dejected, discriminated, rejected — basically all time lows — this piece of art never failed to bring me back to solid ground.

My favorite line:

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

I am a very talkative person, a constant multitasker, and more often than not, I forget to silence my mind.  This is such an eloquent reminder.

I hope you enjoy this as much as I do.

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Photo from Kayholdsworth.com