I know I shouldn’t be blogging. There are a lot of work requirements due tomorrow at 9 in the morning (music much?) and I haven’t even gone halfway through it. I don’t know how I’m supposed to make it shorter or sweeter even. I know I have all the data at hand, but I just can’t bring myself to actually do it. To actually write about it. To actually be productive.
To be frank, I’m not usually like this. Though I have been a fan of procrastination for years now, I don’t let it affect my work. I do my part well and well ahead of time, but right now, I’m not doing anything. Well, I’ve been Googling Journey for the past hour and listening to their songs. I’ve been trying to understand how is Arnel Pineda different from Steve Perry, because when you listen closely, they pretty much sound the same, but what the heck right?
I guess one of the main reasons why I am so counterproductive in the past six days is because what I’m supposed to be producing is something that is completely against my nature. I don’t talk about numbers. I don’t talk about trending. I don’t talk about cash conversion cycles, I don’t talk about improved net sales, I don’t talk about ratios or estimates or conservative projections. I don’t talk about facts in such a technical manner. I just don’t. I tell stories, stories that lived in my head from five minutes to fifteen years. I talk about ambiguities, subtleties, sweet ironies and sarcasm and the joyful witticisms of everyday. That’s what I talk about. Not measures. Not fractions. Not growth. Not all those. Not one of those.
Now, don’t think that I am ungrateful; everyday, I learn something new. Everyday, I am given new knowledge and that is something I am very thankful for. The knowledge comes for free and when I do learn it, I get rewarded by being paid for it. Nothing can beat that kind of exchange. But everyday, I become more afraid of losing myself. What I do — even if it is for the betterment of my intellectual being, even if its goal is to uplift the Filipino’s quality of life — is becoming me. I am becoming too rational. I am becoming too technical. And I don’t feel like me. At least, not as much as six months ago.
I can’t be abstract here. I can’t be weird. I can’t even dress according to my liking. My wardrobe has been limited to block colors and grays. Though these colors (for me) are much more preferable than the staple black, it still feels like makeup — something to cover the surface. Unfortunately, I sleep with makeup sometimes, so it gets under my skin in the morning. It’s just like that — I do it so often, it gets under my skin.
I don’t want to be this, but I want to secure my future. I want to be able to provide for myself and not have to wait till I’m married to get the things that I want for myself. I want to be able to give my kids a future that they deserve. I want to be able to give my parents a trip to Europe. I want to be able to set an example to my brothers. And these daily lessons, these researches, dissertations, critique papers, projections, statements and estimations…. all these will get me there.
I just hope I find a much better way to do all that and still keep the me that I love so much.