After the Cinemalaya masturbation (or rather before that), I went in their gift shoppe. I don’t remember the last time I actually bought a souvenir for an event or a place I’ve attended or been to. So I went ahead and bought three pins. I just don’t know where I am supposed to use them because right after purchasing them, I remembered that my company stifles creativity when it comes to office attire and decorum. We’re not even entitled to casual Fridays yet, coz we’re still trainees. Either way, I’m happy I got them.
I guess I wanted to make sure I still have my creativity in my hands. Or at least it is still reflected in my choices. Sometimes, it feels like all I’ve been making are bad choices. It’s good to know that sometimes, I make good ones.
I got sad. For a while, I got really sad. Because I realized that I am very upset and disappointed. I realized how upset I was, I realized how angry I was. It happened when I was sitting on the train to Cubao, with half my things in tow, preparing for a meeting that wouldn’t happen. It happened when I realized I would rather commute all the way to Quezon City than see your face.
I would rather endure discomfort than be reminded that you, the person I have cared for more than I cared for myself my entire life, refuse to see how you have hurt me. And how you have left me when I actually needed you. And how you made it seem about your God forsaken situation. And how you chose to not apologize. And how you can just go on without apologizing.
It disappoints me because I thought we were more than that. It disappoints me because I’m the only one who can see where I stand. I am forced to understand you because they think kulang ka, they think you’re the one who needs more understanding. I, who have held you on high esteem, who have defended your critical thinking, am the one left biting the dust that should not have been there in the first place.
Too bad, so sad. Moving on now. If you’re doing it, then I’m doing it too. No need to go back to something that used to exist. There is a reason why it doesn’t exist anymore. Oh well.
That’s all. Kthxbye.