Don’t you just love lazy Saturdays?

March 6, 2010 / iamsupercarla / Leave a comment

Decided to dedicate an entire blog for clothes that I want to have made. It’s all part of my resolution of having more clothes that actually fit me properly.

For my avant garde moments:

The distorted ruffles made me fall for it.

Rosettes are love, especially when I get to wear them on my dates with Dylan.

And this pretty black eyelet dress is just perfect for a good night’s walk in Intramuros. (There you go, my hopeless romantic side kicking in).

Then there’s that DVF dress that I will never be able to afford in the near future.

Not to mention my love for ruffles (yet again) and animal prints.

And cutesy skirts…

And of course, the inevitable: office clothes.

Why can’t I just prioritize?

March 2, 2010 / iamsupercarla / 4 Comments

I know I shouldn’t be blogging. There are a lot of work requirements due tomorrow at 9 in the morning (music much?) and I haven’t even gone halfway through it. I don’t know how I’m supposed to make it shorter or sweeter even. I know I have all the data at hand, but I just can’t bring myself to actually do it. To actually write about it. To actually be productive.

To be frank, I’m not usually like this. Though I have been a fan of procrastination for years now, I don’t let it affect my work. I do my part well and well ahead of time, but right now, I’m not doing anything. Well, I’ve been Googling Journey for the past hour and listening to their songs. I’ve been trying to understand how is Arnel Pineda different from Steve Perry, because when you listen closely, they pretty much sound the same, but what the heck right?

I guess one of the main reasons why I am so counterproductive in the past six days is because what I’m supposed to be producing is something that is completely against my nature. I don’t talk about numbers. I don’t talk about trending. I don’t talk about cash conversion cycles, I don’t talk about improved net sales, I don’t talk about ratios or estimates or conservative projections. I don’t talk about facts in such a technical manner. I just don’t. I tell stories, stories that lived in my head from five minutes to fifteen years. I talk about ambiguities, subtleties, sweet ironies and sarcasm and the joyful witticisms of everyday. That’s what I talk about. Not measures. Not fractions. Not growth. Not all those. Not one of those.

Now, don’t think that I am ungrateful; everyday, I learn something new. Everyday, I am given new knowledge and that is something I am very thankful for. The knowledge comes for free and when I do learn it, I get rewarded by being paid for it. Nothing can beat that kind of exchange. But everyday, I become more afraid of losing myself. What I do — even if it is for the betterment of my intellectual being, even if its goal is to uplift the Filipino’s quality of life — is becoming me. I am becoming too rational. I am becoming too technical. And I don’t feel like me. At least, not as much as six months ago.

I can’t be abstract here. I can’t be weird. I can’t even dress according to my liking. My wardrobe has been limited to block colors and grays. Though these colors (for me) are much more preferable than the staple black, it still feels like makeup — something to cover the surface. Unfortunately, I sleep with makeup sometimes, so it gets under my skin in the morning. It’s just like that — I do it so often, it gets under my skin.

I don’t want to be this, but I want to secure my future. I want to be able to provide for myself and not have to wait till I’m married to get the things that I want for myself. I want to be able to give my kids a future that they deserve. I want to be able to give my parents a trip to Europe. I want to be able to set an example to my brothers. And these daily lessons, these researches, dissertations, critique papers, projections, statements and estimations…. all these will get me there.

I just hope I find a much better way to do all that and still keep the me that I love so much.

All the song needed was her.

February 13, 2010 / iamsupercarla / 4 Comments

Went to the UP Fair last night with the few good men (and women) left in the program. It was quite an eventful evening. Although a part of me wishes that Dylan came with us, a part of me is also glad that he didn’t. In the first place, I was already in the company of good people; he can easily make it better by coming to me. :)

It was a rock and orchestra theme. I knew I wanted to be there because there was this band called Silent Sanctuary playing that night. I remember that band in college, mainly because the violinist, Chino, used to date a friend of mine. They kept in touch but because of their rise to fame (which they worked very hard for three years — very well deserved fame), we hardly see them anymore. But it was an event almost two years ago that drew me to them. Chino’s ex, my friend, Kwen Orqueta passed away.

It wasn’t a silent passing. It was even featured on the news.

I remember the wake, and the nights before the funeral, when my friends and I crammed every single picture of her in our minds and tried to come up with a video that would best represent her. She was life. She was the epitome of youth, and she was great. She, too, was gone too soon.

I don’t think my friends and I have been this heartbroken before.

Then, a few days after the funeral, Silent Sanctuary debuted their latest video, "Ingat Ka." And they dedicated it to Kwen.

I briefly separated from the group to watch them play last night, and when Chino started plucking the first few notes on his violin, and the orchestra, and Sarkie’s voice, and the people… I was moved. It felt so bad to be there, like Kwen should be there. She loved music, the people, the party, the band. She loved them all and she loved them best. As they belted out the lyrics to the song, I saw her face everywhere and I couldn’t keep myself from tearing up.

I love that girl and I love how the song manages to be about that girl without having to be so loud. I love the feeling of being immersed in music. I love the moment between being there and floating away. I love that melancholy feeling, the natural high, the kind that makes you drift off without being really gone, the feeling of just being part of the music. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that for a long time.

Last night’s feeling was so good, I managed to bring it with me the entire day today. I woke up at 10 in the morning, got up at 2 in the afternoon and spoke at 5:30 while doing the grocery. I want to be enchanted like that again. I need to be enchanted like that again. The program managed to shift me away from the arts I so dearly loved that one night of reunion completely reminded me why I loved it in the first place.

So I reiterate my resolution: my life will be filled of music again. I don’t care if people say it’s jologs or very manly or too consuming or too loud. It’s music. And it’s something I have loved for a long time. It felt good, to be that in love again. But I think what really made the night great was to realize I never fell out of love with it in the first place.

Oh yes. I will be a gigster once again. I don’t care if I fly solo or with a group. I just want to float again.

Because people can be insecure by THAT much.

February 9, 2010 / iamsupercarla / 2 Comments

Posts have become less frequent, and I think there are about two more people who know where I’ve chosen to air my rants. To be frank, it wasn’t that comforting at first; after all, this is the "vessel of my frustrations" [excuse the pun, you know I adore you hehe]. But then again, when you come to think of it, it’s a good thing because in a way, I am trusting more people, even though (ironically) this blog is public in the first place.

There’s a pitfall though. You can’t always trust people and that is one lesson I had to learn the hard way this week. Or at least the bad part of it.

In an effort to make up for the weak written reports, my group and I ace our presentations for the past three subjects. Out of the blue, the "entire class" thinks we don’t deserve our grade, since we were graded favorably as "favorites." I don’t know which is more insulting: to have an evidently competent instructor be tagged as partial or to be grossly underestimated by a group of people with whom we share a goal.

I don’t understand where the negativity comes from. Is it envy? Why? Because we can hack it and they can’t? Since when did we question the validity of the prof’s evaluation of you? I mean really, give us a break. First, you say we deserve less, then we show you that we deserve otherwise (if not, more). Then, you cry in front of our peers to appear as the victim because we chose to celebrate our success. Wtf. Where the hell do you get off? Quoting A, just because we didn’t cry doesn’t mean we’re any less offended.

I hate the part where people assume this training is a competition because it’s not. The goal is to finish. Not to finish first or second, but simply to finish. This is not a ranking program, this is not college. This is work. Step back and wipe those unnecessary emissions from your tear ducts just so you can see the big picture: we are all here because we are all needed. No one is needed more than the other.

Now grab a pen and write that on your forehead. Just so you know, we hate narrow-mindedness. We despise envy. On top of everything else, we loathe critics with no merit or credibility. We barf at the sight of crab mentality. We reject negativity. And if you choose to say what you said, don’t be a freaking disgrace by crying over it. It was your opinion; eat it for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Own up to it. If there’s something to cry about, it’s the fact that you hurt other people by being to quick to pull the trigger.

It puzzles me as to why anyone would choose to think this way. But in the end, it all makes sense. We are all given free will, to speak our mind. Intellect and tact are learned over the years.

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