Dylan ended up spending his birthday evening with me. I’m quite surprised how the night turned out. After his shift, he texted and asked if he can take me out to dinner. Who am I to refuse that invite? I was able to give him his gifts, and confirmed my status of "Best Girlfriend Ever". He went oh-no-you-didn’t-just-get-me-this for a good ten minutes. It was nice to make him happy at that moment. He was so tired from work and the jam-packed day; I’m just fortunate to have the best pick-upper. :)
The day was scorching hot. The day was so hot, it reminded me how much I hate the place I am renting each time noon comes. By 1PM, my room converted to a big oven. I had to get out and get me some air conditioning; even after showering, I can feel the sweat trickling down my back. I spent a good hour in Coffee Bean, TriNoma, but ended up going to Antipolo for some quality time with the cousins. Of course, the fact that they had the A/C on all day contributed greatly to a time well-spent. Dinner was even more amazing, thanks to the neighborhood roast chicken. I came home just around thirty minutes ago, with a full stomach, but still not enough time to have spent online.
I’ve been thinking about having someone host my own website. Scratch that. (Okay). I’ve been thinking of putting up my own website so I can put all of my shit in it, but I can’t seem to imagine leaving LJ. After all, this site has hosted a good 6 years of my thoughts (including the ones I had to delete when jealousy was still an issue in our relationship). I’m also contemplating whether it would be a money-making machine for me, should I choose to open it up to the public and make my random ramblings known and encourage advertisers to post to my site (under the premise that I do have that much traffic which I don’t), or if it’ll be just another dent in my savings.
Speaking of, I don’t feel like I’ve saved anything in the past months when I’ve been earning more than what I expected. Really. I look at my expenses and see how extremely extravagant I’ve been to whims and impulsive purchases. I look around my room and see things I bought but never wore, books I’ve happily purchased but never opened, and stationery with pretty pictures and aged corners that I don’t have any plans of writing on.
Girl: Jeff, this is Catherine, my mother’s mother. Catherine, this is Jeff.
Catherine: Well, you don’t look like a lawyer.
Jeff: You don’t look like a grandmother.
Catherine: Well, you ARE a lawyer — you’re full of shit.
(You have to admit; that exchange was worth sharing.)
Anyway, I don’t feel like I’ve been a very good personal financial manager, considering that in the past 7 months, I’ve received almost 200k from work. I look at my savings and see nothing there worth being proud of. I don’t know where my money went, but I do remember the people I’ve made happy because of that money. I don’t regret spending it; honestly, I don’t regret it at all. What I do regret is the fact that I can actually be prudent, but I chose not to. I can actually be a better fund manager, but I chose not to. I think I got overexcited at the thought of independence that I went all gaga in purchasing unnecessary items and overindulging in food left and right.
Which would explain why I have two inches added to my belt.
I hate feeling this bad about my own body. Really. I run but I don’t seem to burn the calories as fast as I used to. I drink slimming tea, but it can’t seem to flush out the fat that I firmly believe exists in my body. I just got myself an ab workout machine and just did 200 crunches, but I don’t feel any better. An out-of-town trip is coming by mid-April with family and with friends, and I don’t feel comfortable putting on a bikini (and you must put on a bikini because at 24, you should’ve already learned to love your body).
And I hate feeling this way when my boyfriend showers me with compliments and thanks me for being meatier than before. Dylan seems to enjoy the extra weight, but it began to bother him when he said that I don’t come off as confident as before. What the hell. When did I turn into the kind of girl that cares how her body looks? I think I’ve always been that girl; it wasn’t until I packed on the weight did I notice that I am that self-conscious.
I miss me. The solid me. The wear-anything me. The better-fund-manager me. I feel like going on a crash diet, but I know that’ll do me no good. I know that though I will be able to lose that weight now, it won’t stay off long because it’s a fake diet. I don’t feel good about my body, and I certainly don’t feel good about my spending habits. I’m becoming hateful. I’m becoming bitter. I’m becoming emo. Oh dear God, help me.
Still, I shouldn’t stop trying. I shouldn’t stop running or taking my tea or being more conscious of my eating habit. I shouldn’t stop being more frugal and prudent. I know I’ll always have Dylan, no matter what shape I turn into or even if I went bankrupt. And although I do want to be better for me, I also want him to have a better version of me. Who would want a half-baked cake anyway?
Lose an inch by mid-April.
Grab a new bikini or malliot.
Have more alone time (you’re becoming too technical, Carla. You miss your own creativity.)
Mail more letters.
Crap. Should’ve written "goals". Ugh. Too lazy to go back and edit that now.
Foine. Off to bed. Disliking the fact that the blog club hasn’t updated. Grr. I’ll do some more crunches in hopes of secreting more endorphins to keep me happy.
Of course, Dylan’s presence and a good kiss will speed things up.