15 hours before a big defense, I decided to have my tooth pulled out.
Almost a stupider mistake? Keeping the freaking tooth. :))
Anyway, I would so love to keep this shirt. HAVE this shirt actually. I’m thinking of doing back flips too. Though I do believe this shirt is way too morbid for daily use.
If, by September, I get to have my own office, I would love to redecorate my space with fanciful things.
But there are just some things you don’t get by wishing. Back to work then.
I told myself that today, I need to be inspired. I wanted to be inspired because I have a lot riding on the next three months. In three months, the program I have been working hard to stay in will be over. Three months. I’ve been here since August 2009, and in three months, I’m done. I will be an officer and I will be assigned in a department where I can work my ass off without shame for the next 3 or 30 years. Three months. That’s all there is to it. So I told myself, I need to be inspired.
Then, I started cleaning my room. I’ve been renting a room here in Quezon City because it’s the closest place I can get and it’s one short ride to work. I started cleaning and I found out, I have a pest. I have a pest and it just made a corner of my room its home. And today, I need to be inspired. I need to tell myself that I am making this life better for me, where I am not dependent on anyone but myself. My mad skills. My rationale. My intellect. I need to be inspired just when I saw a corner of my rented space telling me that I am rotting away.
I am so tired. I’ve been preserving everything. From my family to my relationship with Dylan, everything hangs at a sensitive balance. It’s so sensitive that I can’t have anything disrupt it. But then again, there’s a pest in the corner of my rented room. The cheap rented room, close to work, managed to gather more disgrace by harboring an unwanted neighbor. Now, I have to call someone to get rid of the pest. Another thick wad of money down the drain, another problem that needed solving, another thing that needed balancing.
There are days when I feel like I’m way in over my head, that I bit more than I can chew on this one. I don’t think I’ve ever been this exhausted. I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night and just want to throw up. I eat a full meal and after reading about credit standards and delegated authorized credit limits, I just want to hurl. I don’t know if there’s any space left for me, for my sanity. I don’t know if there’s any space left period.
Three months left, and all the late nights, all the paperwork, all the missed birthdays, all the missed family trips, all the arguments, they’re all on me. And I just feel like hurling, like throwing up, so I can make space. Throw up so I can at least get a bit of elbow room. Throw up so I can get to the phone and get someone to get rid of that neighboring pest.
Everything has to be balanced. Just three months left. I just have to have everything balanced in the next three months. After that, they can all fly up in the air and be in perfect chaos again.
So for those of you who first got here, I am one person who always looks forward to any event that any person just made up for sentimental reasons. So when I received a text from Picture Books this morning saying my order was printed and is now ready for pick up, my stomach literally did cartwheels. :)
Naturally, I would rush there right after reading it, but my responsible self stopped me from going there. You see, I have a presentation and a paper to finish for work. And lately, that’s all I’ve been doing.
If it’s not work, it’s family. If it’s not family, it’s Dylan. If it’s not Dylan, it’s friends. I don’t know why, but I never really get to use these conditions as much. Lately, it has all been work.
This management program is taking too long. At first, I thought I can be patient all through out, but now, I’m just tired and wary. I want it to be over. I want to be able to make more permanent plans. I want to be more able to entertain spontaneity in my life. To take sudden road trips without having to worry about the early presentation the next day. To jump to the next plane to nowhere because I have paid leave credits to use. To make weekend plans with my partner of almost four years (in three days!) and getaway to the farthest bed and breakfast.
I keep waiting for the time to pass. For all this to be over. And each time I wait, I get more and more nervous, that I might not succeed in this venture. That I might not graduate. And I know the negativity is not helping, but when you’ve used up all your optimism by convincing yourself waiting is good, there’s nothing left to think about.
I can’t wait for our presentation to be over tomorrow. Then I can pick up the Picture Book. Then I can pick out another gift for Dylan. Then I can figure out our dinner plans. Then I can go with my friends to Pampanga to check on some girl who’s supposed to like him. Then I can go live my life.
And I won’t just be stuck here, waiting.
I feel like there’s so many things wrong with me lately. Cough. Colds. Period. Dysmenorrhea. Cramps. Migraine. Nose bleeds. Not to mention that thing I have to take the same time everyday. I wonder when I’d be better.
The more I look at things I want to have, the more I feel pain for the reminder that I am not that well-off. Responsibilities and obligations suddenly spurted from one side to another, and I am having a lot of trouble catching up. I wonder if the time will come when my other relatives wouldn’t have to rely on us to keep functioning. It’s not that I don’t want to help; I do. I absolutely do. It’s just that sometimes, I make a much bigger sacrifice than what they originally had in mind. Does appreciation come in a cup? I sure hope so.
I will not fail this module. Also, because I already flunked one and this is my last chance. Everything about this module is so fucking boring. My foot falls asleep every three minutes. Thank God for Ranna and the pass notes thing. At least, I am able to stay awake. It kind of worries me though, whether I can study enough or know enough to get through to the next round. I better.
I swear on my perfect ovaries that I will enroll and finish a photography refresher course before the year ends… of course, after a purchase of my lovely camera. And after learning how to drive. I can’t let my friends drive me around anymore. I’m becoming too dependent on convenience and air conditioning.
Commuting: every one I am close to at work hates it. For some reason, I missed it. I’ve been people watching a lot lately. I’m trying to come up with a good enough script for next year’s indie film festival. I am running out of characters and profiles to feature and I can’t afford that. I can’t afford to lose my creative touch. Or maybe I have lost it and this is my attempt to recover it. I aim to recover gracefully.
What’s up?!
So, Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov is a good read. I better start reading more, especially the classics. There’s something about old English and the fullness of every word that make me want to live in their time. To be wooed by a thousand words of men that will journey halfway across the world to prove his worthiness of your heart. Ah. Beauty. So, I stopped at page 14. Can’t afford the romantic niceties. I do need to review.
I wonder if my handouts are complete. Better call Anj and check if we’re still on with Review Day binge. I hope not. Been running every other day in hopes of adding curves to my now-becoming-full body. I like it a lot. I aim to be as full as Monica Bellucci. Now, to get those boobs…
I love my boobs just the way they are. Just so we’re clear.
I do believe I will run out of tissue in about six hours.
I was supposed to update this thing a long time ago, but because of the endless assignments recently, you must forgive me for not being able to update more.
The good thing is I managed to find a way to cope with the stress at work: I run. Well, not exactly run. More like, runjogwalkveryslowlythenwalkveryfast kind of exercise. It’s not really a new thing; there really was a time when I did this thing religiously. But I rediscovered my habit for smoking so it took me a while to get back to running. Of course, the expensive running shoes and core workout gear urged me to use my well spent money well, so here I am running.
I didn’t expect it to be that hard to get back though. Each time I look in the mirror, I seem to appear wider than usual. It’s quite disturbing actually, but what the heck. I knew I was starting to be complacent and beginning to let myself go when I started becoming satisfied with unusual sizes — the one between medium and large — and never really fitting anywhere. So there. I hope to get back on track before August.
Early this week, I started creating this worksheet that maps my savings and expenses. I’m planning to open another savings account, just to make it harder for me to spend my money. I’m hoping it would work.
On a totally different note, I know that Tiger has been posting! And not letting us read it! Grrr. So unfair. (Though I am not as diligent to write every day, I do make everything public. But then again who am I to require disclosure from everyone who visits this page?)
So… there. I have a pile of paperwork waiting for me and I just can’t wait to not attend to it. Ha. Yeah. I’m lazy like that. :)
the salt of your skin 
