Think Out Loud

There was something artsy and fartsy in that small room

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After the Cinemalaya masturbation (or rather before that), I went in their gift shoppe.  I don’t remember the last time I actually bought a souvenir for an event or a place I’ve attended or been to.  So I went ahead and bought three pins.  I just don’t know where I am supposed to use them because right after purchasing them, I remembered that my company stifles creativity when it comes to office attire and decorum.  We’re not even entitled to casual Fridays yet, coz we’re still trainees.  Either way, I’m happy I got them.

I guess I wanted to make sure I still have my creativity in my hands.  Or at least it is still reflected in my choices.  Sometimes, it feels like all I’ve been making are bad choices.  It’s good to know that sometimes, I make good ones.

I got sad.  For a while, I got really sad.  Because I realized that I am very upset and disappointed.  I realized how upset I was, I realized how angry I was.  It happened when I was sitting on the train to Cubao, with half my things in tow, preparing for a meeting that wouldn’t happen.  It happened when I realized I would rather commute all the way to Quezon City than see your face.

I would rather endure discomfort than be reminded that you, the person I have cared for more than I cared for myself my entire life, refuse to see how you have hurt me.  And how you have left me when I actually needed you.  And how you made it seem about your God forsaken situation.  And how you chose to not apologize.  And how you can just go on without apologizing.

It disappoints me because I thought we were more than that.  It disappoints me because I’m the only one who can see where I stand.  I am forced to understand you because they think kulang ka, they think you’re the one who needs more understanding.  I, who have held you on high esteem, who have defended your critical thinking, am the one left biting the dust that should not have been there in the first place.

Too bad, so sad.  Moving on now.  If you’re doing it, then I’m doing it too.  No need to go back to something that used to exist.  There is a reason why it doesn’t exist anymore.  Oh well.

That’s all. Kthxbye.

Old songs bring me back to life

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So this past week was very triumphant.  My partner Vicky and I went and explored Cabatuan, Iloilo and discovered the silence of the people there.  And by silent I mean really silent.  Their quiet demeanor spoke volumes, and sometimes became very hard to interpret.  Nonetheless, we enjoyed our stay and could not be more thankful to be back in Manila.

This is Cabatuan’s famous church, San Nicolas de Tolentino.  Picturesque isn’t it?

I received a lot of good news this week.  I am so close to thinking that my luck is just about to run out.  I am so blessed, it’s sickening.  It kind of makes me think what I did to deserve such good fortune.

Then I went home and showered to this song.  I almost forgot how haunting this song is, and how it spoke to me when I first heard it in high school.

if your hope scatters like the dust across your track / i’ll be the moon that shines on your path


What a mistake.

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15 hours before a big defense, I decided to have my tooth pulled out.

Almost a stupider mistake?  Keeping the freaking tooth. :))

Anyway, I would so love to keep this shirt.  HAVE this shirt actually.  I’m thinking of doing back flips too.  Though I do believe this shirt is way too morbid for daily use.

If, by September, I get to have my own office, I would love to redecorate my space with fanciful things.

But there are just some things you don’t get by wishing.  Back to work then.

Rooting for inspiration

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I told myself that today, I need to be inspired.  I wanted to be inspired because I have a lot riding on the next three months.  In three months, the program I have been working hard to stay in will be over.  Three months.  I’ve been here since August 2009, and in three months, I’m done.  I will be an officer and I will be assigned in a department where I can work my ass off without shame for the next 3 or 30 years.  Three months.  That’s all there is to it.  So I told myself, I need to be inspired.

Then, I started cleaning my room.  I’ve been renting a room here in Quezon City because it’s the closest place I can get and it’s one short ride to work.  I started cleaning and I found out, I have a pest.  I have a pest and it just made a corner of my room its home.  And today, I need to be inspired.  I need to tell myself that I am making this life better for me, where I am not dependent on anyone but myself.  My mad skills.  My rationale.  My intellect.  I need to be inspired just when I saw a corner of my rented space telling me that I am rotting away.

I am so tired.  I’ve been preserving everything.  From my family to my relationship with Dylan, everything hangs at a sensitive balance.  It’s so sensitive that I can’t have anything disrupt it.  But then again, there’s a pest in the corner of my rented room.  The cheap rented room, close to work, managed to gather more disgrace by harboring an unwanted neighbor.  Now, I have to call someone to get rid of the pest.  Another thick wad of money down the drain, another problem that needed solving, another thing that needed balancing.

There are days when I feel like I’m way in over my head, that I bit more than I can chew on this one.  I don’t think I’ve ever been this exhausted.  I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night and just want to throw up.  I eat a full meal and after reading about credit standards and delegated authorized credit limits, I just want to hurl.  I don’t know if there’s any space left for me, for my sanity.  I don’t know if there’s any space left period.

Three months left, and all the late nights, all the paperwork, all the missed birthdays, all the missed family trips, all the arguments, they’re all on me.  And I just feel like hurling, like throwing up, so I can make space.  Throw up so I can at least get a bit of elbow room.  Throw up so I can get to the phone and get someone to get rid of that neighboring pest.

Everything has to be balanced.  Just three months left.  I just have to have everything balanced in the next three months.  After that, they can all fly up in the air and be in perfect chaos again.

Waiting for the right time to pass

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So for those of you who first got here, I am one person who always looks forward to any event that any person just made up for sentimental reasons.  So when I received a text from Picture Books this morning saying my order was printed and is now ready for pick up, my stomach literally did cartwheels. :)

Naturally, I would rush there right after reading it, but my responsible self stopped me from going there.  You see, I have a presentation and a paper to finish for work.  And lately, that’s all I’ve been doing.

If it’s not work, it’s family.  If it’s not family, it’s Dylan.  If it’s not Dylan, it’s friends.  I don’t know why, but I never really get to use these conditions as much.  Lately, it has all been work.

This management program is taking too long.  At first, I thought I can be patient all through out, but now, I’m just tired and wary.  I want it to be over.  I want to be able to make more permanent plans.  I want to be more able to entertain spontaneity in my life.  To take sudden road trips without having to worry about the early presentation the  next day.  To jump to the next plane to nowhere because I have paid leave credits to use.  To make weekend plans with my partner of almost four years (in three days!) and getaway to the farthest bed and breakfast.

I keep waiting for the time to pass.  For all this to be over.  And each time I wait, I get more and more nervous, that I might not succeed in this venture.  That I might not graduate.  And I know the negativity is not helping, but when you’ve used up all your optimism by convincing yourself waiting is good, there’s nothing left to think about.

I can’t wait for our presentation to be over tomorrow.  Then I can pick up the Picture Book.  Then I can pick out another gift for Dylan.  Then I can figure out our dinner plans.  Then I can go with my friends to Pampanga to check on some girl who’s supposed to like him.  Then I can go live my life.

And I won’t just be stuck here, waiting.