friends

I’m looking at the bright side and balancing the whole thing

/ iamsupercarla / 4 Comments

So here’s what happened lately.

  • Just finished the Treasury module.  It has to be the fastest module I’ve ever had (or at least so far) because it only lasted 28 days.
  • Final exams suck!  It was a flurry of confused and mismatched answers to questions I obviously know the answer to but because I actually studied passionately, I overanalyzed everything and well, the rest is the rest.
  • The bourse game was much more enjoyable than expected.
  • Our group became the highest gainer!  Profit of 96M baby!
  • Our group rocked the presentation.  Unrehearsed.  Completely unrehearsed.  But there was no downtime, no pauses, no nothing.  Just smooth sailing presentation of results.
  • Our group got the best score ever:  1.

Judging by those events, I bet you can tell that I’ve been having a good kick off to this other half of the module.  What’s funny though is how I’ve performed in treasury is the complete opposite of how I’ve performed in finance.  Tiger was right; I can start strong again.  *relish feel good moment here*

Credit module started just this week.  Quite grueling on the onset since from the looks of it, this will be our office delegation once we finish the program, notwithstanding the fact that you have to memorize 85% of everything so you can use them in application, which is about 15%.  It’s all about rules and policies and guidelines now, given that this talks about the money the bank could be raking in.  I hope to survive this one better than my treasury survival.  *insert meditation pose here*

And although this weekend basically sucked because I cancelled a beach trip for a family trip that never materialized, I’m still happy.  My brothers seemed to be more clingy than usual, and indulged my fancies by asking me to help them shop for their clothes.  Five hours later, we ended up with numerous shopping bags, 19 purchased items and a bill of less than 5,000.  You gotta love end of season sales. :)

I am looking forward to a trip with the circle to Mindoro.  I bet that would be a blast.  It’s going to be my first ever out of town trip with people that are not my family.  Hahahaha.  I know it’s so loser-ish for me to declare it like that, but what can I say?  The truth bug bit me and its venom seeped through my veins.  Now, I just have to lose 10 pounds in about 4 weeks and I believe I’ll be okay. :)

 

Kicking off the week is a great kick off.

/ iamsupercarla / 2 Comments

I took a trip down memory lane and decided to reread all of the little things we were able to collect on PACE.  Apparently, I was (am?) that nice.  People really seemed to genuinely like me.  I can feel them changing their mind though.  Hahaha.

One of the notes read, "Your CONGRATULATIONS! never fail to lift my spirits and boost my confidence."  Looking back, I don’t know why I stopped saying that.  It used to make me feel better too.  I don’t remember when was the last time I said it.  In one of my old notes, it read that the phrase made me feel like I am cheering my peers on, and that in turn, I cheer myself on.  It gave the much needed boost and laughter that most of us tend to forget, especially when buried with inches  and inches of reading.

Somewhere along the way, I believe the word just lost its meaning and its effect on people.  It started to appear and sound shallow, and most of the time, quite undeserved, even if people refuse to admit it.  I think I still say that from time to time, but the lack of frequency showed just when it should be heard — when you actually worked hard for it.  

There are a lot of baby notes here.  One even thanked me for being a cheesy friend that never failed to make him happy and comfortable.  One thanked me for my ability to listen intently to their stories, encouraging them to speak more.  One thanked cigarettes (oh my I wonder who that is LOL) for giving us time to bond.  One flattered me the most:  that I am the glue that holds everyone together.  *insert tear here*

I think I’ve forgotten how well I was doing.  I think I got scared with the things I didn’t initially know, so it hampered my ability to absorb what was being taught.  I made myself weak because from the looks of it, I started strong.

So maybe, I should say CONGRATULATIONS more.


The cactus I got from Baguio after our PACE workshop.
Yes it is still very much alive. 

Hush hush.

/ iamsupercarla / 4 Comments

 Something kicked in and I know I shouldn’t ignore it.  I was right to bring my laptop to work because in the middle of discussing spot rates and swaps, I felt the urge to write.  It’s been a while since I last felt the urge, and I’m not about to let it pass me by.

I am a firm believer of lying.  Really.  Though some people might find that immoral, I believe it makes me a great friend, and a great secret keeper.  For quite some time, people have confided with me their deepest and darkest secrets which explains  why I have bangs.  Contrary to my extroverted personality, I am a very good secret keeper.  How?  When people ask me about someone else’s secrets, I lie.  Brutal, but true.

What am I supposed to say to them?  "I promised"?  "They made me take an unbreakable vow" (Harry Potter fans WAVE!)?  There are not enough people in this world that can easily understand there are just some things that cannot be shared.  There are just some things that are not for public knowledge.  Once I say that, they instantly call me  "corny".  Some even quip "Sige na, ako lang naman eh."  But the thing is, the secret is not for you.  The secret is just for me and the giver.  I am the secret keeper, and the moment I tell you about it, it is no longer kept.

So I make up stories, things that will feed their curiosity and end it.  I feed them the words they want to hear, or the words they expect to hear.  I know it’s mean, but what am I supposed to do?  I get cut both ways.  Each time I have to make up these stories, I have to file them in my head so the next time they ask, I’d know how to follow it up.  It becomes a compulsion even.  It becomes such an addiction that you make up another lie to support the previous one.

This is the cost.  This is what makes me a bad person.  I lie to friends to protect friends.  I lie with grace and poise.  It almost flows smoother than the Mississippi river on a good day.  Which is why I am freaking pissed, angry, and immediately envelop myself in a field of loathe and anger when the secret giver assumes that I gave their secret away.  

WHAT THE FUCK MAN.  Do they even know how hard it is to keep their secrets?  It’s not that I mind; it actually makes me feel good when people see me as their confidante.  But the moment they gather the guts to question my word — the word I gave them after they shared their secrets — it just fucking makes me want to shove their faces to the wall.  I’m doing everything that I can to understand as much as I should; I’ve always believed that we are in this world challenged to be more empathic (read: compassion).  But you have no right to question my loyalty.

I believe I am one of the most loyal people you’ll ever meet.  When you’re right, I’ll defend you.  When you’re wrong, I’ll protect you.  I’ll protect you to the skin of my teeth.  I tell you what your mistakes are, I give you valid advice, I don’t shrug off your criticism, I accept and reject with proper reasoning and logic.  So why the fuck would you question the one thing that I promised I would do for you?

Sometimes, it’s not worth it anymore.  Being a friend to this kind of people.  The ones who constantly question the level of your friendship.  Of MY friendship.  You don’t get to do that.  Because I don’t fucking do that to you.

I’m so relieved to get this off my chest.  I didn’t realize just how much it has been bothering me until I actually sat down and started punching the keys to this thing.  This laptop, by far, is the best material investment I’ve ever made.  

All the song needed was her.

/ iamsupercarla / 4 Comments

Went to the UP Fair last night with the few good men (and women) left in the program.  It was quite an eventful evening.  Although a part of me wishes that Dylan came with us, a part of me is also glad that he didn’t.  In the first place, I was already in the company of good people; he can easily make it better by coming  to me. :)

It was a rock and orchestra theme.  I knew I wanted to be there because there was this band called Silent Sanctuary playing that night.  I remember that band in college, mainly because the violinist, Chino, used to date a friend of mine.  They kept in touch but because of their rise to fame (which they worked very hard for three years — very well deserved fame), we hardly see them anymore.  But it was an event almost two years ago that drew me to them.  Chino’s ex, my friend, Kwen Orqueta passed away.

It wasn’t a silent passing.  It was even featured on the news.  

I remember the wake, and the nights before the funeral, when my friends and I crammed every single picture of her in our minds and tried to come up with a video that would best represent her.  She was life.  She was the epitome of youth, and she was great.  She, too, was gone too soon.

I don’t think my friends and I have been this heartbroken before.  

Then, a few days after the funeral, Silent Sanctuary debuted their latest video, "Ingat Ka."  And they dedicated it to Kwen.

I briefly separated from the group to watch them play last night, and when Chino started plucking the first few notes on his violin, and the orchestra, and Sarkie’s voice, and the people… I was moved.  It felt so bad to be there, like Kwen should be there.  She loved music, the people, the party, the band.  She loved them all and she loved them best.  As they belted out the lyrics to the song, I saw her face everywhere and I couldn’t keep myself from tearing up.  

I love that girl and I love how the song manages to be about that girl without having to be so loud.  I love the feeling of being immersed in music.  I love the moment between being there and floating away.  I love that melancholy feeling, the natural high, the kind that makes you drift off without being really gone, the feeling of just being part of the music.  I don’t think I’ve ever felt that for a long time.

Last night’s feeling was so good, I managed to bring it with me the entire day today.  I woke up at 10 in the morning, got up at 2 in the afternoon and spoke at 5:30 while doing the grocery.  I want to be enchanted like that again.  I need to be enchanted like that again.  The program managed to shift me away from the arts I so dearly loved that one night of reunion completely reminded me why I loved it in the first place.

So I reiterate my resolution:  my life will be filled of music again.  I don’t care if people say it’s jologs or very manly or too consuming or too loud.  It’s music.  And it’s something I have loved for a long time.  It felt good, to be that in love again.  But I think what really made the night great was to realize I never fell out of love with it in the first place.

Oh yes.  I will be a gigster once again.  I don’t care if I fly solo or with a group.  I just want to float again.