pensive

Wild, encumbered, bewildered

/ iamsupercarla / Leave a comment

Though the week has barely started, I am already experiencing severe cases of rageaholism.  So may I just be random today, especially that I am blogging at an hour that is not of my choosing?

1. Excuse you, but I am not hard-headed.  I freaking comply every single rule imposed upon me.  There is only ONE condition to that:  I HAVE TO UNDERSTAND IT.  Is it my fault that I cannot understand why corporate=black for you?  You cannot rebrand a company just by changing the facade of a building, you have to change the people as well.  It’s not leaving culture and tradition behind.  It’s merely adding new ones.  It’s called developing.  Learn it.  Live it.  Love it.  Or better, just read up on it.  Then maybe I won’t have a hard time justifying why an institution is spending over a billion pesos on a luxury condominium.

*word vomit*

2. I am not being tough nor am I filled with pride.  Is it too much to ask from anyone that maybe this time, they can consider me?  I know what I did (and I did that on purpose, unfortunately) that made a person hurt as much as a person can.  But does that other person know or at least, is that person considerate enough to acknowledge doing something of the same effect?  I’ve been looking out for person after person after person all my life.  Maybe this time, you all can consider looking out for me.

*word vomit*

3.  You are probably the only thing that keeps me sane in my life right now and I am having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that you will have to go away soon in order to actually make a living.  But I am comforted by the ideas and plans that you have for your future… and how those plans include me.

*word vomit*

Okaaay.  I believe I am officially bulimic.  So much for a great lunch.

Rooting for inspiration

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I told myself that today, I need to be inspired.  I wanted to be inspired because I have a lot riding on the next three months.  In three months, the program I have been working hard to stay in will be over.  Three months.  I’ve been here since August 2009, and in three months, I’m done.  I will be an officer and I will be assigned in a department where I can work my ass off without shame for the next 3 or 30 years.  Three months.  That’s all there is to it.  So I told myself, I need to be inspired.

Then, I started cleaning my room.  I’ve been renting a room here in Quezon City because it’s the closest place I can get and it’s one short ride to work.  I started cleaning and I found out, I have a pest.  I have a pest and it just made a corner of my room its home.  And today, I need to be inspired.  I need to tell myself that I am making this life better for me, where I am not dependent on anyone but myself.  My mad skills.  My rationale.  My intellect.  I need to be inspired just when I saw a corner of my rented space telling me that I am rotting away.

I am so tired.  I’ve been preserving everything.  From my family to my relationship with Dylan, everything hangs at a sensitive balance.  It’s so sensitive that I can’t have anything disrupt it.  But then again, there’s a pest in the corner of my rented room.  The cheap rented room, close to work, managed to gather more disgrace by harboring an unwanted neighbor.  Now, I have to call someone to get rid of the pest.  Another thick wad of money down the drain, another problem that needed solving, another thing that needed balancing.

There are days when I feel like I’m way in over my head, that I bit more than I can chew on this one.  I don’t think I’ve ever been this exhausted.  I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night and just want to throw up.  I eat a full meal and after reading about credit standards and delegated authorized credit limits, I just want to hurl.  I don’t know if there’s any space left for me, for my sanity.  I don’t know if there’s any space left period.

Three months left, and all the late nights, all the paperwork, all the missed birthdays, all the missed family trips, all the arguments, they’re all on me.  And I just feel like hurling, like throwing up, so I can make space.  Throw up so I can at least get a bit of elbow room.  Throw up so I can get to the phone and get someone to get rid of that neighboring pest.

Everything has to be balanced.  Just three months left.  I just have to have everything balanced in the next three months.  After that, they can all fly up in the air and be in perfect chaos again.

Your favorite moment captured

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A lot of times, I regret not taking enough pictures.  Even though I have tons of albums in Multiply and Facebook, I still feel that I haven’t captured enough moments.  At the same time, I feel bad each time I try to pause a moment just to take a picture.

I guess that’s why I love television.  And photo galleries.  And photojournalists.  And portraits.  And paintings.  They manage to recreate that fleeting second between an argument and a breathless kiss.  Photojournalists capture human emotion with such accuracy and delicate precision, and the emotion never gets lost, in pictures or in translation.

I’d give a lot to have that ability.  I’d give a whole lot to learn that skill.  There are so many beautiful things that fly by our noses and they are all beautifully disarming and we never frame it.  We take a mental picture and as time passes, we forget it.  It would be nice to have a reminder hanging on your wall.


Ross and Rachel’s first kiss is worth playing over and over.

Waiting for the right time to pass

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So for those of you who first got here, I am one person who always looks forward to any event that any person just made up for sentimental reasons.  So when I received a text from Picture Books this morning saying my order was printed and is now ready for pick up, my stomach literally did cartwheels. :)

Naturally, I would rush there right after reading it, but my responsible self stopped me from going there.  You see, I have a presentation and a paper to finish for work.  And lately, that’s all I’ve been doing.

If it’s not work, it’s family.  If it’s not family, it’s Dylan.  If it’s not Dylan, it’s friends.  I don’t know why, but I never really get to use these conditions as much.  Lately, it has all been work.

This management program is taking too long.  At first, I thought I can be patient all through out, but now, I’m just tired and wary.  I want it to be over.  I want to be able to make more permanent plans.  I want to be more able to entertain spontaneity in my life.  To take sudden road trips without having to worry about the early presentation the  next day.  To jump to the next plane to nowhere because I have paid leave credits to use.  To make weekend plans with my partner of almost four years (in three days!) and getaway to the farthest bed and breakfast.

I keep waiting for the time to pass.  For all this to be over.  And each time I wait, I get more and more nervous, that I might not succeed in this venture.  That I might not graduate.  And I know the negativity is not helping, but when you’ve used up all your optimism by convincing yourself waiting is good, there’s nothing left to think about.

I can’t wait for our presentation to be over tomorrow.  Then I can pick up the Picture Book.  Then I can pick out another gift for Dylan.  Then I can figure out our dinner plans.  Then I can go with my friends to Pampanga to check on some girl who’s supposed to like him.  Then I can go live my life.

And I won’t just be stuck here, waiting.

One random thought after another

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I feel like there’s so many things wrong with me lately.  Cough.  Colds.  Period.  Dysmenorrhea.  Cramps.  Migraine.  Nose bleeds.  Not to mention that thing I have to take the same time everyday.  I wonder when I’d be better.

The more I look at things I want to have, the more I feel pain for the reminder that I am not that well-off.  Responsibilities and obligations suddenly spurted from one side to another, and I am having a lot of trouble catching up.  I wonder if the time will come when my other relatives wouldn’t have to rely on us to keep functioning.  It’s not that I don’t want to help; I do.  I absolutely do.  It’s just that sometimes, I make a much bigger sacrifice than what they originally had in mind.  Does appreciation come in a cup?  I sure hope so.

I will not fail this module.  Also, because I already flunked one and this is my last chance.  Everything about this module is so fucking boring.  My foot falls asleep every three minutes.  Thank God for Ranna and the pass notes thing.  At least, I am able to stay awake.  It kind of worries me though, whether I can study enough or know enough to get through to the next  round.  I better.

I swear on my perfect ovaries that I will enroll and finish a photography refresher course before the year ends… of course, after a purchase of my lovely camera.  And after learning how to drive.  I can’t let my friends drive me around anymore.  I’m becoming too dependent on convenience and air conditioning.

Commuting:  every one I am close to at work hates it.  For some reason, I missed it.  I’ve been people watching a lot lately.  I’m trying to come up with a good enough script for next year’s indie film festival.  I am running out of characters and profiles to feature and I can’t afford that.  I can’t afford to lose my creative touch.  Or maybe I have lost it and this is my attempt to recover it.  I aim to recover gracefully.

What’s up?!

So, Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov is a good read.  I better start reading more, especially the classics.  There’s something about old English and the fullness of every word that make me want to live in their time.  To be wooed by a thousand words of men that will journey halfway across the world to prove his worthiness of your heart.  Ah.  Beauty.  So, I stopped at page 14.  Can’t afford the romantic niceties.  I do need to review.

I wonder if my handouts are complete.  Better call Anj and check if we’re still on with Review Day binge.  I hope not.  Been running every other day in hopes of adding curves to my now-becoming-full body.  I like it a lot.  I aim to be as full as Monica Bellucci.  Now, to get those boobs…

I love my boobs just the way they are.  Just so we’re clear.

I do believe I will run out of tissue in about six hours.