work

I’m looking at the bright side and balancing the whole thing

/ iamsupercarla / 4 Comments

So here’s what happened lately.

  • Just finished the Treasury module.  It has to be the fastest module I’ve ever had (or at least so far) because it only lasted 28 days.
  • Final exams suck!  It was a flurry of confused and mismatched answers to questions I obviously know the answer to but because I actually studied passionately, I overanalyzed everything and well, the rest is the rest.
  • The bourse game was much more enjoyable than expected.
  • Our group became the highest gainer!  Profit of 96M baby!
  • Our group rocked the presentation.  Unrehearsed.  Completely unrehearsed.  But there was no downtime, no pauses, no nothing.  Just smooth sailing presentation of results.
  • Our group got the best score ever:  1.

Judging by those events, I bet you can tell that I’ve been having a good kick off to this other half of the module.  What’s funny though is how I’ve performed in treasury is the complete opposite of how I’ve performed in finance.  Tiger was right; I can start strong again.  *relish feel good moment here*

Credit module started just this week.  Quite grueling on the onset since from the looks of it, this will be our office delegation once we finish the program, notwithstanding the fact that you have to memorize 85% of everything so you can use them in application, which is about 15%.  It’s all about rules and policies and guidelines now, given that this talks about the money the bank could be raking in.  I hope to survive this one better than my treasury survival.  *insert meditation pose here*

And although this weekend basically sucked because I cancelled a beach trip for a family trip that never materialized, I’m still happy.  My brothers seemed to be more clingy than usual, and indulged my fancies by asking me to help them shop for their clothes.  Five hours later, we ended up with numerous shopping bags, 19 purchased items and a bill of less than 5,000.  You gotta love end of season sales. :)

I am looking forward to a trip with the circle to Mindoro.  I bet that would be a blast.  It’s going to be my first ever out of town trip with people that are not my family.  Hahahaha.  I know it’s so loser-ish for me to declare it like that, but what can I say?  The truth bug bit me and its venom seeped through my veins.  Now, I just have to lose 10 pounds in about 4 weeks and I believe I’ll be okay. :)

 

I made everyone wait, including myself.

/ iamsupercarla / 10 Comments

Something is off.  I can feel it in my bones.  Last Saturday, I went with Adah, Alfie and Amanda (and Euske the bungi!) to the Fully Booked short story writing seminar at The Fort.  The speaker was Tara FT Sering, a Palanca winner, and she was teaching us how to develop a character and complex plots in hopes of adding depth to the story.  I believe it’s been a while since I last attended something that fed my artistic fancy.  I was surrounded by great teachers from various language schools, aspiring writers, contributors, and even an idol (Thank you God for that day).  For that afternoon, I was moved.  For a good solid two hours, I was driven to write.

So after dining with my friends, I came home and indulged by surfing the Internet, much love to the free wifi connection.  Then I went to my journal, realizing that it’s been a week (yet again) since I last wrote something and two weeks since I last wrote something of substance.  Just when I thought I was moved, I was stuck.  A solid hour.  I was just staring at this blank page, not knowing what to write.  And it’s not like me to not have an opinion about something.  And again, I was depressed.

There’s something about this training that’s flushing out all of my artistic fuel.  I think it’s the fact that I am trying so hard to catch up with everyone else (and everything else) that’s driven me out of the artsy fartsy canvas.  And I miss it.  I miss the abstract display of emotion, and the verbose stylings of poets and young writers, and the romanticism of death, and the tragedy and comedie (as spelled by good ol’ Will) of love.  I miss them all.  I should really do something.  This is the kind of skill that’s not covered in our training modules.

I do remember one thing in the seminar that proved to be most useful for me:  just write.  What if I get writer’s block?  Just write.  Even just about random things?  Yes.  Even if it’s just a collection of fragments and phrases?  Um.. duh.  Even if thoughts are not cohesive?  Just fucking write.

And so I did.

Ending thought:  Dylan and I should visit a museum soon. 

Why can’t I just prioritize?

/ iamsupercarla / 4 Comments

I know I shouldn’t be blogging.  There are a lot of work requirements due tomorrow  at 9 in the morning (music much?) and I haven’t even gone halfway through it.  I don’t know how I’m supposed to make it shorter or sweeter even.  I know I have all the data at hand, but I just can’t bring myself to actually do it.  To actually write about it.  To actually be productive.

To be frank, I’m not usually like this.  Though I have been a fan of procrastination for years now, I don’t let it affect my work.  I do my part well and well ahead of time, but right now, I’m not doing anything.  Well, I’ve been Googling Journey for the past hour and listening to their songs.  I’ve been trying to understand how is Arnel Pineda different from Steve Perry, because when you listen closely, they pretty much sound the same, but what the heck right?  

I guess one of the main reasons why I am so counterproductive in the past six days is because what I’m supposed to be producing is something that is completely against my nature.  I don’t talk about numbers.  I don’t talk about trending.  I don’t talk about cash conversion cycles, I don’t talk about improved net sales, I don’t talk about ratios or estimates or conservative projections.  I don’t talk about facts in such a technical manner.  I just don’t.  I tell stories, stories that lived in my head from five minutes to fifteen years.  I talk about ambiguities, subtleties, sweet ironies and sarcasm and the joyful witticisms of everyday.  That’s what I talk about.  Not measures.  Not fractions.  Not growth.  Not all those.  Not one of those.

Now, don’t think that I am ungrateful; everyday, I learn something new.  Everyday, I am given new knowledge and that is something I am very thankful for.  The knowledge comes for free and when I do learn it, I get rewarded by being paid for it.  Nothing can beat that kind of exchange.  But everyday, I become more afraid of losing myself.  What I do — even if it is for the betterment of my intellectual being, even if its goal is to uplift the Filipino’s quality of life — is becoming me.  I am becoming too rational.  I am becoming too technical.  And I don’t feel like me.  At least, not as much as six months ago.

I can’t be abstract here.  I can’t be weird.  I can’t even dress according to my liking.  My wardrobe has been limited to block colors and grays.  Though  these colors (for me) are much more preferable than the staple black, it still feels like makeup — something to cover the surface.  Unfortunately, I sleep with makeup sometimes, so it gets under my skin in the morning.  It’s just like that — I do it so often, it gets under my skin.

I don’t want to be this, but I want to secure my future.  I want to be able to provide for myself and not have to wait till I’m married to get the things that I want for myself.  I want to be able to give my kids a future that they deserve.  I want to be able to give my parents a trip to Europe.  I want to be able to set an example to my brothers.  And these daily lessons, these researches, dissertations, critique papers, projections, statements and estimations…. all these will get me there.

I just hope I find a much better way to do all that and still keep the me that I love so much.

 

Because people can be insecure by THAT much.

/ iamsupercarla / 2 Comments

Posts have become less frequent, and I think there are about two more people who know where I’ve chosen to air my rants.  To be frank, it wasn’t that comforting at first; after all, this is the "vessel of my frustrations" [excuse the pun, you know I adore you hehe].  But then again, when you come to think of it, it’s a good thing because in a way, I am trusting more people, even though (ironically) this blog is public in the first place.

There’s a pitfall though.  You can’t always trust people and that is one lesson I had to learn the hard way this week.  Or at least the bad part of it.

In an effort to make up for the weak written reports, my group and I ace our presentations for the past three subjects.  Out of the blue, the "entire class" thinks we don’t deserve our grade, since we were graded favorably as "favorites."  I don’t know which is more insulting:  to have an evidently competent instructor be tagged as partial or to be grossly underestimated by a group of people with whom we share a goal.  

I don’t understand where the negativity comes from.  Is it envy?  Why?  Because we can hack it and they can’t?  Since when did we question the validity of the prof’s evaluation of you?  I mean really, give us a break.  First, you say we deserve less, then we show you that we deserve otherwise (if not, more).  Then, you cry in front of our peers to appear as the victim because we chose to celebrate our success.  Wtf.  Where the hell do you get off?  Quoting A, just because we didn’t cry doesn’t mean we’re any less offended.

I hate the part where people assume this training is a competition because it’s not.  The goal is to finish.  Not to finish first or second, but simply to finish.  This is not a ranking program, this is not college.  This is work.  Step back and wipe those unnecessary emissions from your tear ducts just so you can see the big picture:  we are all here because we are all needed.  No one is needed more than the other.  

Now grab a pen and write that on your forehead.  Just so you know, we hate narrow-mindedness.  We despise envy.  On top of everything else, we loathe critics with no merit or credibility.  We barf at the sight of crab mentality.  We reject negativity.  And if you choose to say what you said, don’t be a freaking disgrace by crying over it.  It was your opinion; eat it for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  Own up to it.  If there’s something to cry about, it’s the fact that you hurt other people by being to quick to pull the trigger.

It puzzles me as to why anyone would choose to think this way.  But in the end, it all makes sense.  We are all given free will, to speak our mind.  Intellect and tact are learned over the years.  

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Officially opening up

/ iamsupercarla / Leave a comment

So I’ve kept this journal since 2004 and I have to admit, I haven’t really been the most faithful writer.  But as the year ends, I make another resolution, this time a much simpler one:  to choose wisely.  Funny how we don’t always acknowledge it, but that’s what basically separates us from all other beings — having the power to choose.  I wonder if anyone else have thought of attaching wisdom to that sole power.

Next year is going to be a tumultuous one, that I am certain.  As the months roll in, the modules in this management training program will be harder.  I dread the Treasury module.  Really.  I cannot imagine myself computing commodities and currencies from the top of my head.  But this is the first time I actually felt that I had a purpose doing what I’m doing.  And if that kind of satisfaction — or contentment rather — comes with risk assessments, statistics and finances, and necessesary mathematics, then I am up for it. 

No one will keep me away from this.  Nothing will keep me away from this.

I just hope the rest of the class have the same determination.  To be here is such a privilege, but sometimes, I can’t help but notice that not everyone wants to be here.  I can’t help but notice that not everyone is thankful to be here.  They’re stressed and sad and depressed and complaining almost all the time, and I know that it’s hard.  I’d be a hypocrite if I won’t admit that, but you’ve got to man up.  This is not 1960 when everything is just booming.  We are now in a world of constant competition, a world where you have to continuously prove yourself to others, a world where you have to be more, if not at par, than what you really are.  Any form of negativity or pessimism just sets you back.  And who in the world likes to walk backwards?  (Don’t answer that question.)

So there, I am officially opening up my journal.  Not that I have that much of an audience anyway.  I hope to write more meaningful stuff here, and I hope to move an individual or two with the written word. 

(Insert cheese here)

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